We argued in the end of the year, you pushed me out while i was laying in your arms, you said i was such a fish. I came back home, being hurt like i had never been before. I hate you for that, my heart still beats fast whenever i think of it. You hurt me.
Then we went back to each other, you brought a disease, i brought a bad habit.
I remember us standing in front of the mirror together. I asked if you would invite me to your wedding, and all i got was a no. “I have nobody to get married to.”
We sat next to each other eating your favorite Vietnamese soup for the first time, you told me about what women think of you, you don’t have what they want, so your relationship can’t be stable. I thought ” Such a shame, i am not yet a woman, but come love me, i don’t demand such shit.”
You saw me after a long time, gave me the tightest hug, many years later, i have never seen such sincere, such sad, such tight hug. Your sad blue eyes, your annoying attitude, your true vulnerable self.
You told me that you were not happy. You said you didn’t want to go home, because no one was there, no one waited for you. I wished i had been your home. Because you was mine, you was home for my soul when it seek for a place to stay.
I knew that we were nothing, we would never be. But whenever we talk about it, we talk about first love, first feeling, first experience.
You are special, not because of you being the first, but because of who you are.
And i keep seeing you in someone else. The love for you is gone, but the memory hurts me every time i think of it.
Then i met him, and i fell in love all over again,
He cooked for me in his kitchen, turning his back to my face, turning my heart in the cage.
He opened the curtain, let the sad sunlight fell onto his face.
I rarely saw him smile, he did, sometimes, when i surprised him like how i surprised you.
I don’t know much about him, but i knew you.
I didn’t have much time with you, but with him, he knew my time.
He would never care about whom i saw, whom i will see, would never tell me whom to date like how you did.
He is not into dance, music, art, but he smiles, holding my comic for him.
He is not into BBQ, beer, club, but he laughs, at silly lame things, at himself and at everyone else.
He is not that depressed like you are. He is too smart, and i am not smart enough to make him care about my dumbness.
He’s never known you, he will never do.
You’ve never heard of him, you will never do.
He would never lean over to kiss my back while i’m reading on his bed
He would never kiss my hand to say sorry.
He would never care enough to argue with me at 3am.
He would never sneak to my house at 11pm to give me a hug at night.
He would never pick me up after class.
He can be anything but mine.
i had a boyfriend.
You talked to him, you looked at me.
“You know me”
Yeah, I am just a grain of dust in this universe…