Trouble sleeping 

And we keep lying to ourselves, 

Cutting the wound deeper than it should be, 

A deep sigh in the sadness of a rainy afternoon 

I cry for that scar of mine, was not yet healed, is now opened. 

Wonder why would I even be here, stretching myself in your bed, touching your warm body 

Feeling your heart beats fast on my chest, 

You breath into me, your sweat is my tear. 

You don’t want to make me feel sad, I don’t want to make you feel bad. 

I just want to cut of the line, turn down the page,

Then, 

I wake up, again, 

From the night mare of a perfect dream in my fantasy. 

No

I would sit in front of you the whole afternoon,  guessing what the universe feels like behind those glasses. 

Life is full of curiosity,  you can’t stop questioning why the weather is nice today whereas I can only sit still and be overwhelmed by the natural beauty. 

I would walk next to you until my feet bleed in happiness,  hearing the wind whispers in my ears what my heart can’t let you feel. 

I would stand on the other side of the bridge, capturing you in my own world when you you wave at me. I know you never belong to me. 

I would be there under the sunset watching the dark covers everything around me and my eyes are full of tears like how the water goes up after a long afternoon. 

I would secretly stare at you when you talk,  wishing time to stop. I don’t know what could I do without you,  even I can always live without you. 

Take me to your bed,  undress me,  torment me with the pleasure of lust and the delusion of love.  

Hold me once,  let me be in your embrace. 

But no, 

You, you’re the knife,  you’re the bandage,  you’re nothing but a curse and a cure.

What you cannot see. 

My friend posted a photo of her boyfriend on instagram,  saying “what you cannot see,  is that he smiles because I make cookies for him…”. It makes me think, after all the photographs I have of you,  will you,  or me,  or anybody else knows the story behind it? Would I remember why would I take that photo when I look at it again? Would I be able to remember how thing was back then? I don’t know,  time is cruel,  I just hope that I do…

I have many photos of a man I used to date, photo of the coffee he made,  the sandwiches we ate together,  the cinema we went to; photo of his hand,  holding mine under the coffee table; photos of him from behind while he was cooking for me; and, no photos of us. It was sad. 

And I have photos of you,  your bike,  your street,  the food you make for me; photo of you smiling,  being unaware of a sudden shot; photo of you cooking; photo of me taken by you; and more photos of you, and you alone. But what Noone else can see,  is that you had that big smile because you tried to make me laugh,  because you felt comfortable with me,  and because we laughed together. 

So, what else that you cannot see from your photograph? Perhaps an ending that no one else knows? :)… 

You ruin me

I found myself on a stranger’s bed, 

Lying to myself that I am fine without you

Kissing the new lips,  touching another skin,  running my fingers on a body that’s not yours 

I didn’t cry.

I miss your skin. I miss your lips on me,  your warm hand on my skin. 

I think of you in every kiss,  every touch,  every thrust. 

My body is tired,  but my mind misses you. 

Knowing that you’re nothing but poison for my heart. 

Knowing that you never love but ruin me

I have run on this race for too long,

I don’t think that I can keep being strong. 

I’m no longer the sarcastic girl stirring the mango tea. 

I’m now vulnerable,  fragile,  weak and naked in front of you. 

All these years, you ruin me well… 

You drag me to hell, 

I have no soul left to sell. 

So I guess it’s a goodbye. Let me be free, I’m not the cool pretty girl you know anymore. 

You ruin her,  for me. 

Novel of a lifetime. 

I have never told you how cold and scary it was,  being looked outside the door alone at 2 in the morning and being beaten up like an animal everyday day. 

I have never told you how lonely it was,  being the only kid in class that has no friend,  no relatives,  nothing. 

I have never told you how hard it was, being bullied by the whole class every day,  lying to yourself that you did have friend when  you had nobody who would stand up for you.  

I have never told you how sad it was,  being a disappointment for your own family and your father doesn’t believe in you anymore. 

I wish I could… 

I have never told you how devastating I was,  sitting on the edge of the bed in  towel,  looking at his photo with her, 

I didn’t know if it was my hair or my eyes that’s wet. 

I have never told you how painful it felt like,  standing in the shower,  being rejected by the one I loved the most and never feel like I’m good enough. 

I have never told you how hopeless it feel like,  to hear all the beautiful words in such a tough reality. 

I have never told you how stressful it is,  lying to myself,  creating a nice illusion while I’m drowning. In the ocean. 

I wish I could… 

I wish I could tell you everything,  

I wish I could tell you,

Everything about me

I wish you knew, 

I wish you knew,  

Something about me

I wish you felt, 

I wish you felt a little bit like how I feel,  

I wish you knew that I feel safe,  being with you. 

I wish you knew that I never want to fool you,  play with you,  hurt you. 

I wish you knew that I’m wounded and vulnerable and I struggle finding a way to heal myself. 

I wish you knew that I cry everyday in silence,  thinking of you,  not because of any special hope,  but loneliness. Knowing that c’est la vie. 

You  make me forget what I have to face everyday. 

You make me forget the pain and stop crying for it,  

You make me alive. 

You make me truly feel like a girl at my age, throwing gummy bears out of the windows,  sailing on the river of depression,  hanging pink heart son the romantic tree, caving your name on the stars

Ah,  corny. 

Not me. 

I mean

Not the me that every one knows. 

Being with you,  I’m in love. I’m quiet, I don’t question,  I’m sarcastic,  I act like I don’t love you,  but I do. 

And I wish,  

You knew. 

I have never told you,  I’m tired,  being lost all the time,  sad,  depressed,  lying to myself about how things could be,  how love feels,  how happiness is,  comforting myself that everything is fine when it is not. 

That kid who wanted to end its life years ago is still inside me,  it was stupid,  I know. But I still feel the same. I now just enjoy eating my depression, or,  let it eat me up inside. 

I have never told you anything. I smile. 

I wish I did,  I wish you cared,  enough to hold my hands once and tell the kiddo me that everything will be alright because you’re there. I need that,  from you. 

I wish you knew. 

But you don’t,  you’re just  a chapter in a Novel of a lifetime. 

November 23rd, 2016

I admire that guy who can talk about politics for hours with a complete analysis that every individual needs

I admire that guy who works out every day and looks just like a Greek God. 

I admire that guy whose voice melts my heart and has such profound knowledge about all types of wine. 

I admire that guy whose smirk can lighten up my day. 

I admire that guy who drove me around on his bike and gave me crazy butterflies in my stomach. 

I admire that guy who knew me inside out,  enough to break my heart into pieces. 

I admire that guy who gave me such great time in the bed room and such worse time playing mind game. 

I admire that guy whose intelligence sharps my heart…

I can write more,  a list of all the guys I had a chance to know 

A list of all the guys that I once love. 

A list of all the guys to whom I have never had a chance to say “I love you” 

A list of all the guys with whom I can never see a future together. 

A list of all the guys whom I can never imagine wake up to every morning. 

A list of all the guys whose bodies I never bothered cleaning for. 

A list of all the guys that’s never worth my tears. 

A list of all the guys that’s never worth dying for. 

A list of all the guys whose ego is bigger than the greatest feeling of human being. 

Love. 

But you, 

you’re the love. 

You’re the life.  

Because only once in a life time,  you meet somebody that’s worth dying for. 

Out of many people out there,  I’m glad we met,  

Thank you,

Thank you for being mine.