June 22nd 

I’m sitting by the bed, looking over the windows, seeing every light being off from my neighbor’s windows. The night is slowly getting over, but I can’t get over myself. I feel like a kid building castle on the sand and seeing all the grains slipping through the space between my fingers, going back to the sea. I don’t feel right. I miss you so much, I miss quiet road, starry night and the comfortable feeling when I’m around you. I miss a real good laugh and the feeling of being me. Raw feeling, the comfort of not being disturbed and annoyed by superficial love. I don’t think I was born to love or care, I always end up hurting myself. I was not made to love or to be in a loving crowd, because I simply ruin everything I love. I feel like a wolf. I am used to walking on my own, I have my own phobia and hatred that I can’t even explain. But I know that I need you, you and your reality keep me sane. I might not be loved, but it’s ok, because who rrally knows what love is…

Are you alright? 

London after the rain. 

It has been a month since the last time I stood on the bridge with you. 

Last night, there was a terrorist attack on a bridge too, in a rainy night. Not there, here, where I am, unbelievably far from you. I suddenly find an unexplainable fear deep down my heart, I don’t know what it is. It just scares me how life is so unexpected, and the journey I’m walking on might be corrupted any time without any goal being achieved. I’m not afraid of the death, ignorantly speaking. I’m afraid of losing all the raw memories I try to burry in my heart, everything I try to do, everything I love, everyone I care about, someone I always think of. 

I like to imagine you cooking your boring recipe calmly in your kitchen, with the sleeveless top torn up both side. You, walking like a silly school boy that just got his new toy from the girl he has a crush on. You, mockingly talk about things. We couldn’t take things serious, it was too much of a burden to ask for. I desperate to see you again, and I hate you so much to see you one more time. My feeling is complex, like many layers of an old spider webs which keep my in a humid obscure corner, suffocating in every beat. I would sit at my window everyday waiting for the sun to go down and let my soul wander with melancholy. I’m lost in stability and a love that is too good to be true. I crave for that feeling I had when we were together, I thought I would do anything just to be in your arm again, because illusion is sometimes the best reality.  But as much as I want it, I know I have to carry on with my life and find true happiness for myself with an inner peace that only this self can create. 

I feel weak, leaving your bubble and being alone in my battle again. The unstable real happiness was what kept me going. But guess I have to walk alone now. I loath you for giving the wings for my feeling and burning it down within second. You was such a terrorist attack which my heart had never forseen…

Thousand questions.

I stay up at 3 in the morning, wondering what I do and who I am.

I can’t go back to sleep,

My head screams

Me,

Me,

Me,

Where is the Me that stays in the We?

My heart squeezes through the lies, 

Nothing else this heart can’t hide 

Nothing else this heart can tie.

I think of myself, being faded into consumption, modernity, community, humanity, 

Family,

Life,

I think I owe this life,

I might,

I don’t know if I own it or owe it.

But  my brain working so hard to see the real meaning of life.

I’m desperate to see what life really is

I’m depressed to meet the life I want to see

I feel bad for my own self because of the self destructive way of finding the meaning of an obvious journey that I’m already a part of it.

I feel bad for my heart, dropping its inner peace and some of its parts on the way I chose. 

I dropped the inner peace somewhere.

I see labels on things that are unlabeled pretentiously.

I see unreality from the reality 

I feel cold seeing close bonds between family members

I feel warm being just myself in a cold day

What do I want? What am I? 

I feel like a wild beast in a civilized city,

My heart’s gone wild, my brain hurts.

I  thought I would forget, 

I thought I would move on.

But why do the sunsets still make my hearts so empty and hurt deep down?

Seeing the photos bring pain to my brain.

I want a busy working day then running back to you.

I want quiet afternoon with the sun going down outside a locked dark room.

I want gloomy day with a shattered heart, driving by all the quiet places I can.

But then again, that’s simply not the life I’m seeking for.

Good bye, for good :)

And you wanted to drive up on the bridge in a windy day. We stood there for hours. You told me about your life here and there. I saw plastic bags flying in the air, the river flowing slowly under us. I was scared, that one day I would forget how it feels like to lean my shoulders on your chest while your fingers untangle my hairs. I’m not good at keeping memories, my brain somehow stupidly drops off your scent, your smile and even my thought of you some where on the way I go. But I am good at keeping the pain, everytime I think of what you said, why we did and how you walked away, my brain hurts. It’s difficult for me trying to balance everything in life and putting my heart in the right place. My head spins, my heart is shattered, I know life is not all about gazing stars and smelling grass at night. Life is not even about how intimate we can get behind the locked door but how we embrace the world. I appreciate the memory, but I also take it as a lesson. You taught me how to grow and live with pain, and never sacrificing for anything but happiness and security. It was a long journey, I can’t even count all the nights we walked together just to hear those little crickets singing the song of nature inside the bushes. I can’t remember how many times I left your place feeling completely empty and missing you. I  can’t remember exactly how many times I drove home wondering how you feel about me. But  they’re not important any more. I decide to end this sad song I’ve been playing  for the last 2 years. I know I’m not good, even at good bye. I now know how you feel, hear what you say, see what you do. So let me keep a part of us as a melancholy that makes my heart aches everytime I think of you. Goodbye, this time is for good…. 🙂

One last time 

City lights, one last night,

We owe the lie with the life that isn’t ours 

We own the scars with the pain that’s always ours 

My heart is shattered in pieces,

The storm in my head is never released 

I guess this is all I have, 

I know I just can’t escape 

The one moment when you left,

A part of me,

also dead…

It was my fault… Good bye 🙂

Be fine without me.

Will you be fine without me, being on someone else’s bed in a foggy day?

Will you be fine without me, letting someone else’s lips touching yours?

Will you be fine without me, attending the parties which you never belong to?

Will you be fine without me, putting yourself in a crowd full of people that squeeze your head?

Will you be fine without me, seeing the sun goes down without me by your side?

Will you be fine with out me, lying to your little heart where the home is?

Hold my hands, enjoy life like how  the breeze touches this lake

Sing the song that only us can hear, sending this love thousand miles away

Hold me tight, one last time like how the dark night embraces the moon

Let my fingers running through your spine, leaving my mark on you.

I know that you’re broken today, give me a piece of yours

Wear my name on your neck, kiss me in the night, tell me goodnight

I am sad seeing the man who makes you high,

Will you be fine, continuing this fight?…

April rain 

Another rainy season has come,

I’m still looking over my windows waiting for the last stream of sunlight drops on my fingers 

I see me waiting for you in a rainy day years ago,

I waited for you then, I wait for us now

I die a bit inside, 

with an unlocked door,

My heart bleeds a bit inside waiting for your touch.

My memory stops right where you are, 

My heart knows only you, 

My eyes keep searching for you in the dark,

And my mind, 

Is lost without you.