Quixotic

I wish you would bend over to kiss my neck in a rainy day

Holding my fingers, your palm leans against mine, my arms rest on yours

Let my chin stay on your shoulder and my arms around you

I won’t touch you inappropriately, what i feel for you is too beautiful for that.

Kiss your ears from behind while my hand is dancing on your chest,

my toes: touching your Achilles heel,

my skin: melting in your bullet hole

my blood: dropping down to the infinity of the unknown mystery

squeezing my brain to accept that you are 199 and i am 211

You are unique, I’m just lonely.

And i draw the vector of my fantasy,

hoping that it meets the end of your reality,

not quite close,

It’s an asymptote!

Then,

I wake up, slap myself out of a dream that is so real

But,

Seeing you sitting there, once again, buries me deep down in a dreamy reality.

That is so beautiful, it hurts.

My love is quixotic, and you are the windmill that put me in pain.

years later.

We argued in the end of the year, you pushed me out while i was laying in your arms, you said i was such a fish. I came back home, being hurt like i had never been before. I hate you for that, my heart still beats fast whenever i think of it. You hurt me.

Then we went back to each other, you brought a disease, i brought a bad habit.

I remember us standing in front of the mirror together. I asked  if you would invite me to your wedding, and all i got was a no. “I have nobody to get married to.”

We sat next to each other eating your favorite Vietnamese soup for the first time, you told me about what women think of you, you don’t have what they want, so your relationship can’t be stable. I thought ” Such a shame, i am not yet a woman, but come love  me, i don’t demand such shit.”

You saw me after a long time, gave me the tightest hug, many years later, i have never seen such sincere, such sad, such tight hug. Your sad blue eyes, your annoying attitude, your true vulnerable self.

You told me that you were not happy. You said you didn’t want to go home, because no one was there, no one waited for you. I wished i had been your home. Because you was mine, you was home for my soul when it seek for a place to stay.

I knew that we were nothing, we would never be. But whenever we talk about it, we talk about first love, first feeling, first experience.

You are special, not because of you being the first, but because of who you are.

And i keep seeing you in someone else. The love for you is gone, but the memory hurts me every time i think of it.

Then i met him, and i fell in love all over again,

He cooked for me in his kitchen, turning his back to my face, turning my heart in the cage.

He opened the curtain, let the sad sunlight fell onto his face.

I rarely saw him smile, he did, sometimes, when i surprised him like how i surprised you.

I don’t know much about him, but i knew you.

I didn’t have much time with you, but with him, he knew my time.

He would never care about whom i saw, whom i will see, would never tell me whom to date like how you did.

He is not into dance, music, art, but he smiles, holding my comic for him.

He is not into BBQ, beer, club, but he laughs, at silly lame things, at himself and at everyone else.

He is not that depressed like you are. He is too smart, and i am not smart enough to make him care about my dumbness.

He’s never known you, he will never do.

You’ve never heard of him, you will never do.

He would never lean over to kiss my back while i’m reading on his bed

He would never kiss my hand to say sorry.

He would never care enough to argue with me at 3am.

He would never sneak to my house at 11pm to give me a hug at night.

He would never pick me up after class.

He can be anything but mine.

And,

i had a boyfriend.

You talked to him, you looked at me.

You said

“You know me”

Yeah,  I am just a grain of dust in this universe… 

 

 

 

 

I am still the same.

Hey, I am still the same.

The girl sitting across you, stirring the mango tea with a broken heart and a messy brain

I was so lost. I am now.

I was so sad, guess it has not been any better.

I was so depressed, guess i just hide it better.

I was so broken, i have not been able to pick up all the pieces since then.

Hey, I am still the same.

Still cry at night, still lost in my ocean of thoughts.

Still tough and sarcastic as fuck

i am still stuck, and i don’t give a fuck

You never ask me if i am happy, well , done

I have never been, everything is temporary.

I have a job that kills all my time

the students that are too spoiled,

the colleagues that keep talking about shit

the ridiculous academic boss

a boyfriend that i have only met twice

Everything look nice, But i have always had to hide

I, simply want to be the kid sitting on the side of the bed, eating the homemade salad while the curtain is opened, so she can see the moon shines through darkness.

Many thing i have to confess,

and then again it’s just stress

Get me undressed, don’t be like the rest

i am not served in set….

 

You.

I’m exhausted,

My body aches

And my heart misses you.

My fingers ache for your skin

My breasts ache to be under your heavy chest

My arms ache to be touched with your toned arms

My cheeks ache to feel your face

My sense aches to smell you,

My body  aches,  to be touched.

My heart,  aches to be felt.

My brain hurts,  confusing scenario,

Too much possibilities that a simple math equation can’t solve the probability

My brain is frozen,  seeing your golden eyes through the windows of memory.

That broken laptop of yours and me,

We have something in common.

We are touched,  but can never touch you

We are seen,  but can never see you.

You,  make my tears streaming down

Make my heart broke,

Make my soul unwhole…..

Sunrise

The clock on your wall, stops

it’s at 9.

Norah Jones said it looks like morning in your eyes,

I wonder.

The clock on your wall, no more ticking.

The curtain falls, you open.

Sunset, now lies on your face, the whole world is in your eyes.

Sad sun light, dances on my face.

Surprise, in my eyes.

The distance between us, looks like a deep cut.

My heart,

where to put?

The clock on your wall, stops.

That sounds annoys your morning sun

Just like me annoying your fun.

 

 

Before midnight 

I curl up in bed, 

bare skin under the sheet, being crushed into pieces.

My body aches, my soul hurts.

All the pressure that brings me down under,

is nothing,

I just need you, the real you, the vulnerable you, the sickening you, the sarcastic you, the you in my world.

I fool myself in an honest world that is full of lies,

all the butterflies turn into dried leaves that fly

the sweet honeybee are just bitter wax

the sour candies ended up being too spicy that my throat is torn

the rain drops hop on my cheek, salty

you know what do you have in common with them?

they feel real, but they are not real.

our life won’t be sealed.

those pains will never be healed. 

But,

days like this,

I just crave you. Your hugs, your kisses, your warm skin

I crave that moment to lie on the same bed with you, being separated by an invisible border

I crave,

to reach out my hand and draw a line on your spine,

to touch your skin and kiss it with real love

to look straight into your eyes and being able to tell you how do i love

to hug you from behind in your t-shirt and kiss that shoulders from behind

to be loved, just once,

to be loved by you.