Last icecream for Christmas?

Thing between us doesn’t work that way. I feel love and hate  at the same time, this ship has driven me crazy.

Sitting in front of you, looking deeply at your eyes and think about all the time we have been together. You are a lovely nightmare and i just cannot refuse your beautiful blue eyes…

  I look through your shirt, remember when i laid my head on your chest and felt your heartbeats, it was fast. I asked you why, and i liked it when you kissed my forehead and whispering ” Because of you”,

I look at the beard you haven’t shaved , remember when we kissed and i complained about how it hurts me, you did go shave and  back with a good fragrance which i never forget,

I look at your smile, remember how good laughing was while i was with you,

I hear the laughter, and i realize how much i will miss this crazy sound,

I feel the way you look at me, i have a good morning today having coffee with you, we talk and we laugh. I like it and i like you too. Thank you for letting my heart alive again, just sadly we chose freedom, not love. And you are just afraid of everything: old age, loneliness, future etc… while i’m trying to enjoy the moment.

I have kept so many memories about you inside my heart.  I should not have done that, cause it will make me miss you much, but i did, and still… i see the loneliness in your eyes.

In the very beginning, i have never known how much you will mean to me. 

Last ice cream for Christmas, shall we? 🙂

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-No Xmas is a good Xmas

-Something like no love is a good love?

-No commitment is good lol, or like some men say:  love is great, but i have so much love, i don’t want to waste it on only one girl lol…

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-Am i cool?

-Yes, you are a nice guy with beautiful mask

-My protection

-Yes but take it off at the right time though

-Never

– But i do like you

-I like you too

-It would be better if you said it by your heart

-I like you, but we can be friends only.

-I know, you told me once about the gap between us.

-Oh yes, and i want to be single, single is always great

-No, you are just afraid of loving dear….

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How heavy it is to weight the moon?

At some special moment in life, i think i am going to weight this little moon.

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The moon simply not just a main things in the universe but the queen of night. It’s when yourself are deep inside darkness- at the end of the valley, then the light of the moon would be nicer than the exhausting sunshine. At least , that how it is to me. So i weight my imagined moon sometimes which just makes things feel harder and a bit more tired. In fact, it is the easieat way to do – as how it is fixed in thie picture with some photoshop effects…

However, there are something realistic which is hard to do…

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This would be the hardest thing to do: Free with the wind…

Taken for granted.

I got the exam schedule lately today and i cannot stop myself from cursing your name. That’s why they say You can’t count on relationship at work. 

I don’t know if i should laugh or not. Why do you always have to do the serious job while you have never been that serious about this thing? Well, i know you love lose structures, unstable things and break promises as easy as it made. But for once i hope you are serious, nice, sympathy like how you are when you’re with me and stop being an *sshole.  The conversation between us these days seem like a boring war which is continued by the soldier with their broken guns. You slowly typed me back and it seemed like you don’t care about my feeling anymore. Where is the you who talked to me for hours without being tired? Where is the you who worried about every tiny funny thing of me?  Where is the you who texted me with lovely words and saying romantic things all the time we were together? where have you been?…

I have just realized how much pressure i had to hold while working with you, how  tired i was to deal with your temperature, how  frustrated i was to control myself not to be angry with you, how many time i have tried to understand and forgive you, how many time i swallowed my pride to start talking to you first while you ignored me. You can call it’s stupid, but i call it caring. I know i am kind a sensitive sometimes and you often make joke about my humanistic side. However, don’t forget you have a fragile soul, i know it well, you cannot hide from me. 4 months together- do you ever know you hurt me in some ways? I cannot blame on you cause we are not looking for a further future and we took this as a game at the very start. But i do care and need you, that is true. Let take our relationship as friendship, you still take me for granted anyway.

I don’t know how many times i tell myself to end this, and i just can’t.  I don’t know what we are and i don’t know how i feel about everything anymore. My mind is a mess right now…

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What is this for us?

Short conversations for the day.

-An ex gf told me a very intelligent phrase
“men are like gum or rubber, the more you ignore them or push them away, the harder they come back” – means men need space.

-Well, women need space also. Just do not push those who care about you away cause one day, they will not come back.

-That is not true, believe me.

-Sound likes taking for granted… lol

-Yes, a bit.

– Damn you!….

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-Hey! 😦

-What happen?

-Everybody starts to forget about me…

-Well, no worry hun, you stay- in here  ❤

-I am so lonely!

-Me too. Sometimes it is just hard to say…

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The doomsday.

         The heat of the prophecy about the end of the world has a very strong affection to every people in this world even you care or not. It has been there in every conversation at least once. I’m not a big fan of this Doomsday’s theory but i do talk about it sometimes- in an ironic- or romantic way.

           Notradamus said:

“From the calm morning, the end will come. When of the dancing horse the number of circles will be 9.”

           This prophet had several right prophecies about the disasters in his future (our time). Therefore, some people really freak out, some people don’t, and some people use it as a promotion for their own benefits. I don’t have any comment about this prediction cause life is full of mysteries. However, i have found that Psy has a very great marketing team. They related every single word Notradamus predicted to the Gangnam’s style Phenomenon- which help the rating views in Youtube of this video increases every day. Seems like the K-pop industry nowadays is really good at taking opportunities from the big fear of the world- the death of our planet. Other musical industries should hire the marketing team of Psy though; it could be a good choice.

              I don’t know why people post something like “If it was not the doomsday, i would do this and i would do that….”. Did you really live your life before? Why do you have to wait to the end of the world and do something worth it? And if it was not the doomsday, would you do what you should do or it’s just a saying?  We now sound like kids who had fault and promise to their mom not to do it again or they would do it better in the future. It is not about what you promise, it is about what you can do and what you are willing to do. Let say the doomsday is a motivation for ppl to do good things or experience the things they havent tried before, but there is no right time for good things, we should do good things all the time we can, for you, for me and for everyone else.

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-i need to party for the end of the world

-what if it was the real end of the world?

-i will die partying

-haha i love that positive side about you

-always look on the bright side of life 

-if it was the real end of the world, i would be sad cause i havent found my love yet

-You shouldn’t be sad, im sure if it was the end of the world would be love everywhere

-maybe i will run to someone and say i love him so much

-or they will run to you

-sadly there is no one and i dont know any

-im sure a lot of people will run towards you. I will go to hell and you will go to heaven, so sadly i wont see you again after life

-Haha, the sad thing is i might see you in hell and you will have to find a place to hide form me cause now i am your big obsession: chasing you to hell

-I will never hide from you, not even in hell, in hell we can be as bad as we want that is OK

-Bad as i am (: 

-you are good, i wont see you in hell

-i will see you again if i dont die in doomsday

– sure i will see you again

– yes, we will….

November night…

-thank you, just remember you said i was a weirdo lol

– we are both
  anyway
  a friend said yesterday to me
  u mind is either crazy or sick, bc of the comments I do sometimes

– jajajaja… cannot be normal in this crazy world
  sorry humanistic again lol

-I think most of the world is too normal

-where are you in this world? 

-mostly outside the box

I cannot be inside too long like in normal structure, liked fixed jobs, relationship, marriages, family

 I like loose structures and flexibility and u, where are u?

-I am halfway.
 just be on the side which i can enjoy the most
it is too soon for me to make a statement like you, but i have the same thoughts…. that’s what i like about you.

-Yes u are too young yet

-yes, the age is young

-the mind is older,  and the body is beautiful

-lol, probably i was wrong forcing myself to have the mind of a man

– just the mind, believe me

-but things must be better.
yeah, pain could drive your mind crazy

-which pain?

-Just some family issues.
Everybody has pain.

-yes but the trick is not to focus on pain and enjoy ur life
 and not let others give u pain

-that’s true, i am enjoying my life.
 have you ever hurt anybody?
or being hurt?

-I am guy, of course. It’s impossible not to hurt women and being hurt, but most of the time I am faster to protect myself

– even in early life?

-as kid not, there u just get hurt

-my age?

-also. I was pretty shy

-and now that word seems not exist in your dictionary lol

-yes, I learnt  shy ppl dont get anything in life and life is too short to wait and hope for stuff. that is my more or less humanistic approach

– sometimes i make a joke about hope. Hope means hold on pain ends lol

-yes, its true
hope meets denying the reality and living on dreams

-I don’t believe you are not humanistic
 ppl have weak moments, they just dont show it

– depends, if I like somebody or its important for me I am
but its fun to be an asshole some times and fool around

– or be emotionless lol
sometimes my friends say i know nothing because i always laugh and smile

– yes or pretend to be
 really?
dont think so

-because i dont have a tendency to show out my sadness
that is bad because i always laugh when i am sad, disappointed or angry
 it doesn’t help really…

-hm, I see

-that’s for stranger.
 but for the one who is close or the ones i like, it is different.

-good

-that is tired not showing your true color to the one you love. so better be myself while being with them

-yes or not loving lol

-lol, love doesnt mean to be between male and female though

-Yes i know

-you know it better than me

– love to males I dont know lol

-experience love, experience pains haha
yeah, i will know about loving man better than you lol

-yes, hope so lol

-would be nice if u would be here

-haha, cook dinner for me?

-Yes
dinner I for a lot of hugs lol

-i’d love to try your food sometimes
i like it when a man go to the kitchen and cooking =]

– I cook in shorts
Any problems?

-What problem?

– that u see me just in shorts

-i think i saw you twice hald naked lol

– and? u like it lol

-lol, don’t know what to say

-the truth lol

– i think it’s normal lol
it is normal to see a guy half naked i think

-yes

-i wonder how will your joke level when you are 70 lol super.

-even more dirty lol

-When have you turn from a cute shy guy to be like this? lol

-24-25 and later. btw when is ur birthday?

-Dec 8th

– so u are soon 18

-old enough to be in jail lol

-or to hug me lol

-didnt i hug you? D:

-yes, illegally lol

-lol. hugs need to be 18?

-depends what kinds of hugs lol

– what kind of hugs we had?

– dont worry, innocent ones

-hugs are innocent, mind is dirty lol

– only mine or urs too?

– i just hug, i don’t think.

-when i do something that i mean it, i dont need to think lol

– that is better

– hope you dont think much either.

– not really

-as you called it practicing or something

-what u mean?practicing hugging?

-remember you told me that
couple days ago

-what kind of practicing?

-i dont know
you said it lol

– I like ur hugs

-and you call it illegal?
sometimes i dont understand you lol

-I was kidding
maybe our kiss was illegal lol

– :)….

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After all this time…

My mom went to the hospital today and the doctor said she has a tiny bone which was settled wrong in her knee; the liquid is all over it and if she keeps doing hard work, she could not walk anymore. 

I worry, yes i do. I am sad, a bit,  i have seen so many ppl cry when they know their parents are ill and they always think of the bad ending. I am sitting here, asking myself and wonder how could i be this tough. I can barely cry and being sarcastic about almost everything recently. Probably it’s called the ironic rebellion of hormone and uncured pains. I am not yelling out loud that i has been suffering a big pain in my life and no one can understand; I’m just saying i’m tired of having too much emotions at the same time. Emotions- like waves, keep going up and down and hit the seaside, we think the seaside might become fragile under too much pressure but no, it stands still and become a loose instruction, hard to break even it’s not stable. 

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Every body has pain and i never underestimate it. I cannot say “Hey dude, my pain is Bigger than you so i am more miserable than you”. It’s nonsense and stupid, but lots of ppl act like that- they want others feel pity for them. That’s why since i was a kid- at the first time i was hit by a big shocked; i did train myself not to complain about the pains in my life and not cry for anything.I was wrong, cause crying doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you dare to show your true color which is hard to tell. I know it is wrong, but i cannot stop myself being so sarcastic and laughing hard whenever i am sad or depressed. I know that feeling when you share your sad story to somebody but they seem not to care and laugh at it; i know it but i can’t stop so i hurt and get hurt. I am here,  with a mess in my head, feel like there are tons of way to get rid of it but actually there is no way; i don’t feel anything, but i worry too much and over thinking.

I told mom not to think negative and let it be. I know it is hard cause to me, staying positive and being sarcastic might be my strong points but thinking positive about my own self is definitely a hard thing to do. How could i help her when i can’t even help my self out of this mess?

And after all this time, how it gonna be?…