After all this time…

My mom went to the hospital today and the doctor said she has a tiny bone which was settled wrong in her knee; the liquid is all over it and if she keeps doing hard work, she could not walk anymore. 

I worry, yes i do. I am sad, a bit,  i have seen so many ppl cry when they know their parents are ill and they always think of the bad ending. I am sitting here, asking myself and wonder how could i be this tough. I can barely cry and being sarcastic about almost everything recently. Probably it’s called the ironic rebellion of hormone and uncured pains. I am not yelling out loud that i has been suffering a big pain in my life and no one can understand; I’m just saying i’m tired of having too much emotions at the same time. Emotions- like waves, keep going up and down and hit the seaside, we think the seaside might become fragile under too much pressure but no, it stands still and become a loose instruction, hard to break even it’s not stable. 

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Every body has pain and i never underestimate it. I cannot say “Hey dude, my pain is Bigger than you so i am more miserable than you”. It’s nonsense and stupid, but lots of ppl act like that- they want others feel pity for them. That’s why since i was a kid- at the first time i was hit by a big shocked; i did train myself not to complain about the pains in my life and not cry for anything.I was wrong, cause crying doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you dare to show your true color which is hard to tell. I know it is wrong, but i cannot stop myself being so sarcastic and laughing hard whenever i am sad or depressed. I know that feeling when you share your sad story to somebody but they seem not to care and laugh at it; i know it but i can’t stop so i hurt and get hurt. I am here,  with a mess in my head, feel like there are tons of way to get rid of it but actually there is no way; i don’t feel anything, but i worry too much and over thinking.

I told mom not to think negative and let it be. I know it is hard cause to me, staying positive and being sarcastic might be my strong points but thinking positive about my own self is definitely a hard thing to do. How could i help her when i can’t even help my self out of this mess?

And after all this time, how it gonna be?…

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