Taken for granted.

I got the exam schedule lately today and i cannot stop myself from cursing your name. That’s why they say You can’t count on relationship at work. 

I don’t know if i should laugh or not. Why do you always have to do the serious job while you have never been that serious about this thing? Well, i know you love lose structures, unstable things and break promises as easy as it made. But for once i hope you are serious, nice, sympathy like how you are when you’re with me and stop being an *sshole.  The conversation between us these days seem like a boring war which is continued by the soldier with their broken guns. You slowly typed me back and it seemed like you don’t care about my feeling anymore. Where is the you who talked to me for hours without being tired? Where is the you who worried about every tiny funny thing of me?  Where is the you who texted me with lovely words and saying romantic things all the time we were together? where have you been?…

I have just realized how much pressure i had to hold while working with you, how  tired i was to deal with your temperature, how  frustrated i was to control myself not to be angry with you, how many time i have tried to understand and forgive you, how many time i swallowed my pride to start talking to you first while you ignored me. You can call it’s stupid, but i call it caring. I know i am kind a sensitive sometimes and you often make joke about my humanistic side. However, don’t forget you have a fragile soul, i know it well, you cannot hide from me. 4 months together- do you ever know you hurt me in some ways? I cannot blame on you cause we are not looking for a further future and we took this as a game at the very start. But i do care and need you, that is true. Let take our relationship as friendship, you still take me for granted anyway.

I don’t know how many times i tell myself to end this, and i just can’t.  I don’t know what we are and i don’t know how i feel about everything anymore. My mind is a mess right now…

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