A woman’s birthday- a halfway to trouble.

Since there have been a lots of stuffs floating inside my mind lately, i have thrown out one of the “supposed to be important” thing which called Mama’s birthday.

Back in… so many years ago, on January 23rd,  a pretty girl was born  (I’m not sure about this but i was lovely as a baby so probably my mom also was). She must have celebrated the special day every year, first with parents, then bros and sises, then friends, boyfriends, husband-my dad and us- her children; but not today. I got a call from her right before i went to my student’s place. She was kind a “tímida” while reminding me of her birthday. I was frozen, not because of her- the woman who never cares about herself now telling me it’s her birthday, not because of  the late notice via cellphone but because of myself being so careless these days. How could i ever forget my mom’s birthday? Well we absolutely could celebrate it every day, celebrate big, but hey, that’s mom, not the ex boyfriend you should throw away.

How could we forget those who are close to us and hurt them often?

Do we take them or are we taken for granted while it comes to love and family?

The questions will be left unknown, as i don’t even want to answer. But deeply in my heart, i do think i took my parents for granted. I know they will always be there for me no matter what i do. Of course i do love them but Isn’t that so bad a child?

Yes, i am so aware of a bad child inside me who loves to play with devil.

And so sorry mom for not being bold enough to tell you these directly but writing at a page which you would never read, but i do wish you a real happy birthday, just don’t celebrate much birthday you know? I hate to see you getting old.

Your daughter now is such a coward,

With love from me xx

I'm not sure if i brought happiness to you, but at least you will be proud to say about me just the same!
I’m not sure if i brought happiness to you, but at least you will be proud to say about me just the same!



That moment

That moment when you are tired of all the things around you

That moment when you feel like you could not talk to anybody even they are your best friends

That moment when you feel like you are bothering other people with your own stuffs which you should handle by yourself, people get bored of your drama, just likes you do sometimes, no doubts.

That moment when you are even confused with your decision and not knowing what to do.

That moment when you realize the ex has never been the ex, FWB is the word for your serious feeling and you don’t know if the feeling you had is true or not

That moment when your best friend sees your set your hope high on something you should not while you don’t know if there still hopes left in you or not.

That moment when you want happiness for the person who hurt you bad and you see the confliction in what you want

That moment when you get the texts which you always love to get in an uncomfortable mood and you realize you are not cold by the weather, it is your heart that so cold now.

That moment when you know what to do since that is your stuff and then don’t know which one to do and start asking for your best friend’s advice. You realize friendship and love can both hurt.

That moment when you know you are not that cool, not that strong  when it comes to feeling; and  all the defense wall you built can easily collapse by one person or some special ones that close to you.

The moment when you don’t want your ex date to come back and also want him not to leave.

The moment when you are shaking hard inside out knowing you are ruining everything if you keep being in an confusing stage with yourself.

And the moment when you realize there has never been any relationship for you at all.

-Don’t make me miss your blue eyes lol

-Don’t make me miss more of you

Hell yeah, i am out, you should have said “i dont miss you at all” and keep not showing me your feelings like you always do.


Why does it take you so long?

I’m a big fan of Sex and the city. Not because of the sex, not because of the city; but those realistic dramas of the episode are just so interesting for me. There are once they mention about “The ex” and how long will we get over them.

 Well you have a year to love the person and 6 months to forget them; but not totally. It’s the rule.

I have never been there, but i guess it’s hard to forget someone; especially when that one is the one. I talked to an old friend the other day and this is how our conversation going

Old friend: How did you solve your case with the german guy?

Me: Suffering, every day.

Old friend: What makes you suffer now?

Me:I have my heart sets on him,still. He made the lady out of me and burried the man inside me which nobody could do. He knows the evil inside me and goes well with it. He was just one of the best things i’ve ever had.

Old friend: Well that’s true. But hey, WHY DOES IT TAKE YOU SO LONG???

That’s the question. Yes, why does it take me so long? Does it mean i found the one and the fact of losing him hurt me this bad? or it’s because i am so lonely and tiny in a crowded place that i have to hold on to somebody who could accept me for who i am? I am just so fuck up.

And still, it takes me way too long to forget him, way too long…