You used to ask me “Why do you love me?”
If i really have any specific answer, it would be a very long one, it could become a novel, maybe. Can you accept the love just because someone loves you? or you need them to prove it? I know it is hard to trust and believe in someone, as it is also difficult for me. The heart is an unpredicted thing in this world, and love is not easy to feel.
One day,you will become an old man. Your blond hair will turn into grey, your deep blue eyes will be blurred, your skin will be full of wrinkle and you just want to drink tea instead of the cold beer. You will see that old age is a barrier, prevents you from the young new world. All the sexy girls, all the beautiful women around you now also got old, or they don’t even pay attention for you. I can imagine you sitting there alone in your room, listen to the German radio in the morning, in the afternoon,at night. You don’t go to work- you retired; you don’t go out- you are tired; you talk to nobody- you abandon yourself. You will remember about all the people that you have known, I might come into your mind like a little quick flash. In the end, how many people can remember all the affairs they have in their life? I hope you will do.
I can also imagine you being happy with your family,with an unknown woman i have never met, and all the kids that have half of your blood in them. Your wife will take care of you, or let you be alone in your own world. She can cook for you every single meal with love or you both could just spend meal time at some restaurants on the street. She might sleep with you every night and you both have a great sex life; or she just cannot make you feel satisfied and you have to find someone else to have sex with, or make love for. You can be a good daddy, play with the kids and teach them how to live their life; or you just be a bad one, moody and be sarcastic with your own children.
Or you can be all, a lonely man in the family, an unsatisfied husband in marriage and a -not-so-happy daddy among your children. No matter who you are and who you become to be, i have no right to tell you what you have to do, what you should or what you must. I will just stand outside , watching the man i love moves on with his life and makes all the choices. And I will also move on with my life, have my own journey, my own family, my own chaos to dive in. But deep inside my heart, i’m sure there will always be a place for you, for the man who watched me grew up in time, woke the girl inside me up and made the woman out of me. You will always be that man i used to know, the man in his 30s, spontaneous, crazy, emotional and yet sincere. You will always be that one with the sad blue eyes, standing in front of me under the hot shower in a rainy day. You will always be that lovely guy who feed me the choc milk and sweet gummy bears on his bed at midnight. I hope you will also think of me like that, think of me as a teenager girl who was dedicated, innocent and crazy to grow old with you. That girl who stepped into your insane adult world without being aware of it, the girl who chose you to be her pain.
Please, never say that you’re not good enough or too bad to be true. Because i am not looking for an angel, i am looking for those whose demons play well with mine. Let me hold you tight when the whole world leaves you behind. Let me kiss you goodnight when your stars could never been shined. Let me love all your weakness, all your fault and all the perfect imperfection you don’t want me to see.
Let me love you for who you really are until the end of our era…