-For you, the one who shines in every path of my memories.
I know this is not something i should say over an email; but i find it hard putting all the words together in the right places while seeing you over the camera, and i can’t find any adequate reason for calling you at midnight just to tell you what i feel anymore.
I did have some sleepless nights thinking of the conversation we had last Sunday, feeling regret sometimes for ruining one of the most beautiful things i’ve ever had. I do question myself what if I had never brought up the big ques about who we were nor asked you about it, would we still be able to talk normally like we used to do before without any awkward moments? You said you still want to talk and i can still see you, but then you also said there is no friendship between men and women; and when i text you first, reluctant replies were all i got, so i was confused because of the contradiction. So I tried to stop calling and texting you, but I failed. I can’t do it. I can’t play cold with the person i care about. I still want to know about your day, how is your work, is there anything that makes you feel happy, worried about or irritates you. I still want to tag you in the post i feel funny about, share with you the interesting things i found and most of all, let you know about my day. I enjoyed every little things we did together too much that i feel selfish sometimes because i never want to leave or let you go. Then i realize i don’t have the right to do it anymore and i do feel sad about it though.
I like you, “like” is not the right word to describe my feeling because it’s more than that but i can’t find any better word to say. I need you and want you, enough to cross the border to see you for just a few days. I care about you, enough for me to overcome my fear and my pride to tell you how much you mean to me and writing this email to say all the things i haven’t had a chance to say.
You came into my life, unexpected, nice, like a calm and cleansing wave; i have never stopped being appreciated. I did cry a lot and i know it made you feel bad somehow, but don’t worry, i was really happy to be with you and i couldn’t hold the tears of happiness. You don’t hurt me, you will never do, it’s just me hurting myself holding on something i can’t have so it’s not your fault, don’t feel bad about it. You have a big heart, funny and smart. I like who and how you are. I feel ease at heart just to sit next to you quietly, wake up next to you every morning when i’m there or hear your voice over Line. I love it how i can be myself being around you and i did have a very great time. I think of you and cherish every things we have done together in such a short time. From the moment we sat together on that Tuk Tuk in KhaoSan road until today’s writing this email for you, i won’t forget a second of it. I still want to talk to you naturally like how we did before, so feel free to text or call me first, i love to hear from you. I always want to see you again, so i hope i will have a chance to do so. Lets just enjoy this moment because life too short and i don’t really care about the future that not yet to come, the present is important, and you should too.
I miss your smile, good night x
I miss your smile, good night x
-The one who sniffed-