The happy project part 7: Bury your love alive.

It has been 3 months,  and i still wake up everyday by the our alarm song from Frank Turner then go to bed every night thinking of what have been said and done.  What made me hurt the most is you saying that i loved you more than you did,  so even you put everything into us, in the end of the day, it still was not enough.  And then you left me here with my little too much love that i have to bury it alive.

I never want you to leave, but it would be selfish of me to say so.

So…

Can I keep that moment when you half naked, standing in the kitchen, bare feet, making breakfast for me? I’m not sure i could see it anymore in my entire life.

Can I keep that moment when we walked together in Bangkok, hand in hand, everyday? I would perhaps need some times to find another hand to hold on.

Can I keep that moment when i wake up every morning next to you, seeing the light outside streamed down on your face  while you were still asleep? I felt ease at heart.

Can I keep that moment you hugged me tight every time you went out for a smoke? I regret every time i was not there with you.

Can I keep that moment you woke me up by a kiss on my forehead and a cup of hot coffee? Where could I go to find someone that can make coffee for me every day like you did?

Can I keep that moment when we were so playful and happy? I have never felt like that again since you left.

Can I keep that moment we sat quietly together in a silent night and felt the pleasure of peace? I miss it. I do….

Can I keep everything about you inside me? like a white dress needs to be taken care of, I don’t want it to have any stains.

Can I keep everything about us deep down in my memories ? You will always be there, beautiful and whole like the first time we met.

I have never told someone that they are the best until i met you. And yes, you are still the best, I mean that.

I will bury my love alive, and the memory of you inside.

I’m happy because you came, i’m happy because we met. I’m happy because my memory is not a cliché of time but with you in it, it looks more beautiful whenever i look back.

Think of you tonight x

 

Advertisements

The happy path project 5 :Loneliness at its best

My best friend woke me up today by a morning text which said ” I cried myself to sleep last night, I’m depressed as f*ck”.
I didn’t know what to say, so I told her to take her time and get better soon.
I didn’t know what to do, because I’m also tired as f*ck.
Just before you continue to read this post, I have to say that I’m not writing about something makes me feel happy but something doesn’t make me feel so: loneliness.
And today, I feel loneliness at its best for the first time in 2015.
Started my Sunday with a depressive text, I slowly pushed myself out of bed and started doing my translation while having a terrible migraine. Sitting at my desk for 30 mins, I couldn’t move my hand to write but keep replaying ” The way I tend to be” of Frank Turner and think of Thailand with all the things happened there last summer. Yes, I’ve not been over it yet.
I still think of that moment I walked on the sky bridge and saw the whole Bangkok under my feet, the cars, the busy people, the big building, the sun shines on my hair, he was by my side.
I still think of that moment I quietly watching him from the back while he cooked for both of us. I knew I’d never be starving when he was there.
I still think of that moment we stood outside, smoking, looking at the sky, listening to the neighbors speaking a language we both didn’t understand and smiling at each other ” hey baby, I’m glad we speak English”
I still think of that moment we walked together and you had never let my hand go.
I thought I was found, I thought i found what I have been looking for. I was so happy that I have to cry. I was so happy that I overcame my fear and my pride to show you how much I care. It was something I had never done before.
Just like that, I spend more than 30 mins to think of all the memories that have been staying in my head longer than it could and embedding in my heart deeper than it should. Once I love, I love with all I have. My friend told me that it was not the fault of anyone, it just didn’t mean to be. But seeing myself being hurt and my intelligence being insulted brutally, i know it’s my fault to be the dedicated one. I know it’s my fault to be much stronger outside so people think that I will be fine if they hurt me ” a little too much”. They think I can handle that without being hurt. That’s what you have to pay when you have a strong armor and a fragile soul. Have you ever noticed what’s there behind those fierce eyes of a tiger? Or you just see a tiger and say it right away ” it’s a wild animal that love to tear you apart brutally”? That’s it. Not all of us have time for learning what’s there behind its eyes. We’re too busy.
Drowning in my own thoughts, I rode my bike around saigon at night, feel the wind and its smell. The migraine was very terrible that tears streamed down on my face without any reason. Seeing all the couple, all the family and all the friends hanging out on the street for the weekend reminds me of how great it was to have someone to share a shitty day with. I thought of me being alone on the street, of my friend being alone on her bed crying, of the guy I love and I suddenly believed that we are all lonely people. That’s how I feel loneliness at its best. Lonely people, can’t just fill up each other…

The happy path project 4: A walk in a holy place

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/88e/44005006/files/2015/01/img_1672.jpg

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/88e/44005006/files/2015/01/img_1691.jpg

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/88e/44005006/files/2015/01/img_1664.jpg

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/88e/44005006/files/2015/01/img_1668.jpg

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/88e/44005006/files/2015/01/img_1673.jpg
After comparing love with a fast food combo this morning in my Spanish exam, I decided to take a walk around the centre of Saigon and found out this mosque. No more writing today but I’d love to take a look at this holy place again through my iPod’s camera. I’m not a photographer nor a Muslim. I just love the beauty and the tranquility of this place. I will surely come back 🙂
Perhaps tomorrow I will explain more how love sounds like a KFC combo to me.
I’m just literally happy today.

The happy path project 3: The happiness of vulnerability-p.2

I woke up the other day, talking to myself while doing my hygiene. Sitting still under the sun, i stared at the moss grown wall and start to tell it the story of me. The more I talk, the more I realize how much I focus on the pain instead of finding out how to ease it. I could see the contradiction, why do you have to notice about your pain too much while all you want is to be healed? Can you be whole again just by speaking it out? If tears are the way for all toxic to come out of your body, then will listing all your grief be the way to make you feel happy again? I started wondering myself if that is a way for all of us? To accept that vulnerability is always there in our life, accompany us along our journey and it is nothing strange that we are vulnerable human being?
Then i remember when I first started painting years ago, I learned how to recognize the colors. I learned that beside blue and red, each color has different tones and they create different color in the painting. I had never known the magic of painting since then. I think accepting the existence of depression and vulnerability in our life is like learning a new tone of a color, our mission is to add the new tones into the painting to make it beautiful and harmonious. Once we accept the truth that we are vulnerable, we won’t be too surprised when it hurts. Therefore, we can easily let it go and get back on track again once we fail or being down by anything in life. It might be hard, and I’m also trying to put myself together, accepting that being depressive is a part of me, and like the air; it has always been there. We can only feel the air when we stop breathing.
Lesson learnt: vulnerability is not as bad as it sounds. Be its friend, to have a new positive perception about bad feelings in life.

The happy path project 2: The happiness of vulnerability- p.1

I go to bed everyday after midnight, plug the earphones in and floating with the music. I don’t know how long does it take for me to fall asleep but it’s such a horrible process. All the music always make the memory that is buried deep inside me re surges. All the imagines, all the words, all the feelings inside my heart try to come outside and be alive. They convert into tears and make my brain hurts. It just reaches the highest level of functioning during the day.
Night. It’s chaotic for my heart.
I’m lying in bed again tonight, listening to Believe of Cher after dipping myself in John Legend’s sad song all day. I suddenly feel empty inside, like an empty bottle that is thrown to the ocean, floating, submerged, being under the pressure of the wave, the salty sea, the wind, the storm, and even one of the most beautiful things on earth: the sunshine. I miss it, the moment I truly feel excited and so happy because my happiness can be felt, there is someone feels content about it; my achievement can be shared, there is someone who is proud of it; it made me whole in despite of all the fractures I have.
Like that bottle, I’m pulled up and down by the memory Inside my head. Thinking of the one I dated recently, I think of the first moment I walked with him down Khoa Sarn road, passed by all the noisy bars and the drunken people tried to enjoy their holidays by crawling, sitting, cursing and laughing from the bottom of their lung. I can still feel the wind of Bangkok in my hair , the lights from all the big buildings on the street at midnight and the smell of the BBQ from the vendors on the sidewalk. I remember him, sweating, walking fast but with a great smile, trying to protect me from the crowd. I was touched, my heart was; and it is still beating fast thinking of the big man rubbing my head after it hit the Tuk Tuk door. He stepped into my life, nice, unaware, unexpected, and unforgettable. I had no idea I started an interesting, passionate and heart breaking affair for myself  from that moment in downtown Bangkok. Who could ever imagine of meeting someone they love in such place? With someone who is down to earth like me, it’s even more impossible. Maybe because of that, when everything comes to an end, it still embed inside my head like the huge impression I got from the very start. I thought I was found, but then I was wrong. I cried so many night, questioned myself how could I be so rush on something I want to last forever and wondered if I did anything wrong. I was so vulnerable. I saw how depression and sadness triggered the artistic trait inside me. I felt the deep cut I have never got before. I talked to many ppl just to know how lost I was and felt numb afterwards. I woke up every morning to that song of Frank Turner which I used to listen to in Thailand and felt completely horrible inside, I went to bed every night with tears streaming down on my face and the desire of being filled up every single holes on me, not only my body craved to be touched but also my soul was yelling to be healed. I felt unwanted and unneeded more than ever. Even a smell or a voice like his, could make me cry. I was just broken.