The happy path project 2: The happiness of vulnerability- p.1

I go to bed everyday after midnight, plug the earphones in and floating with the music. I don’t know how long does it take for me to fall asleep but it’s such a horrible process. All the music always make the memory that is buried deep inside me re surges. All the imagines, all the words, all the feelings inside my heart try to come outside and be alive. They convert into tears and make my brain hurts. It just reaches the highest level of functioning during the day.
Night. It’s chaotic for my heart.
I’m lying in bed again tonight, listening to Believe of Cher after dipping myself in John Legend’s sad song all day. I suddenly feel empty inside, like an empty bottle that is thrown to the ocean, floating, submerged, being under the pressure of the wave, the salty sea, the wind, the storm, and even one of the most beautiful things on earth: the sunshine. I miss it, the moment I truly feel excited and so happy because my happiness can be felt, there is someone feels content about it; my achievement can be shared, there is someone who is proud of it; it made me whole in despite of all the fractures I have.
Like that bottle, I’m pulled up and down by the memory Inside my head. Thinking of the one I dated recently, I think of the first moment I walked with him down Khoa Sarn road, passed by all the noisy bars and the drunken people tried to enjoy their holidays by crawling, sitting, cursing and laughing from the bottom of their lung. I can still feel the wind of Bangkok in my hair , the lights from all the big buildings on the street at midnight and the smell of the BBQ from the vendors on the sidewalk. I remember him, sweating, walking fast but with a great smile, trying to protect me from the crowd. I was touched, my heart was; and it is still beating fast thinking of the big man rubbing my head after it hit the Tuk Tuk door. He stepped into my life, nice, unaware, unexpected, and unforgettable. I had no idea I started an interesting, passionate and heart breaking affair for myself  from that moment in downtown Bangkok. Who could ever imagine of meeting someone they love in such place? With someone who is down to earth like me, it’s even more impossible. Maybe because of that, when everything comes to an end, it still embed inside my head like the huge impression I got from the very start. I thought I was found, but then I was wrong. I cried so many night, questioned myself how could I be so rush on something I want to last forever and wondered if I did anything wrong. I was so vulnerable. I saw how depression and sadness triggered the artistic trait inside me. I felt the deep cut I have never got before. I talked to many ppl just to know how lost I was and felt numb afterwards. I woke up every morning to that song of Frank Turner which I used to listen to in Thailand and felt completely horrible inside, I went to bed every night with tears streaming down on my face and the desire of being filled up every single holes on me, not only my body craved to be touched but also my soul was yelling to be healed. I felt unwanted and unneeded more than ever. Even a smell or a voice like his, could make me cry. I was just broken.


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