The happy path project 5 :Loneliness at its best

My best friend woke me up today by a morning text which said ” I cried myself to sleep last night, I’m depressed as f*ck”.
I didn’t know what to say, so I told her to take her time and get better soon.
I didn’t know what to do, because I’m also tired as f*ck.
Just before you continue to read this post, I have to say that I’m not writing about something makes me feel happy but something doesn’t make me feel so: loneliness.
And today, I feel loneliness at its best for the first time in 2015.
Started my Sunday with a depressive text, I slowly pushed myself out of bed and started doing my translation while having a terrible migraine. Sitting at my desk for 30 mins, I couldn’t move my hand to write but keep replaying ” The way I tend to be” of Frank Turner and think of Thailand with all the things happened there last summer. Yes, I’ve not been over it yet.
I still think of that moment I walked on the sky bridge and saw the whole Bangkok under my feet, the cars, the busy people, the big building, the sun shines on my hair, he was by my side.
I still think of that moment I quietly watching him from the back while he cooked for both of us. I knew I’d never be starving when he was there.
I still think of that moment we stood outside, smoking, looking at the sky, listening to the neighbors speaking a language we both didn’t understand and smiling at each other ” hey baby, I’m glad we speak English”
I still think of that moment we walked together and you had never let my hand go.
I thought I was found, I thought i found what I have been looking for. I was so happy that I have to cry. I was so happy that I overcame my fear and my pride to show you how much I care. It was something I had never done before.
Just like that, I spend more than 30 mins to think of all the memories that have been staying in my head longer than it could and embedding in my heart deeper than it should. Once I love, I love with all I have. My friend told me that it was not the fault of anyone, it just didn’t mean to be. But seeing myself being hurt and my intelligence being insulted brutally, i know it’s my fault to be the dedicated one. I know it’s my fault to be much stronger outside so people think that I will be fine if they hurt me ” a little too much”. They think I can handle that without being hurt. That’s what you have to pay when you have a strong armor and a fragile soul. Have you ever noticed what’s there behind those fierce eyes of a tiger? Or you just see a tiger and say it right away ” it’s a wild animal that love to tear you apart brutally”? That’s it. Not all of us have time for learning what’s there behind its eyes. We’re too busy.
Drowning in my own thoughts, I rode my bike around saigon at night, feel the wind and its smell. The migraine was very terrible that tears streamed down on my face without any reason. Seeing all the couple, all the family and all the friends hanging out on the street for the weekend reminds me of how great it was to have someone to share a shitty day with. I thought of me being alone on the street, of my friend being alone on her bed crying, of the guy I love and I suddenly believed that we are all lonely people. That’s how I feel loneliness at its best. Lonely people, can’t just fill up each other…

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