I have been dedicated myself ( aka nominated myself, for better definition) to lots of irrelevant things lately. Going to church, studying the Gospel, talking to religious people, walk the dog, read history books… and even talking bullshit with someone i don’t really care about. It doesn’t sound like me at all, but perhaps that’s a way to find inner peace; to do something you don’t really know or like, so the ignorance and the irritation could make your mind busy. And therefore, you know how mean your mind could be.
I am stubborn. I hate it when people try to demand or order me to do something. I don’t want to be tamed and need to run free, that is why i have faith in Lord but can hardly sit down and talk to those religious people whose God is all their life. I feel suffocating seeing them, that is a world that i don’t belong to even i know that is pretty good for them: having something to believe in. I don’t have it. It doesn’t mean that i don’t believe in the existence of God but myself. I have doubt about my own faith and believe that it chewed me to bones, wondering who i am and where i am.
I am not those lucky kids who go to church every Sunday morning, singing carols, praying to God and having no questions about the things they do.
I am not those teenagers whose behaviors are pretty bad and need religion to teach them how to be good
I am not a priest or missionary
I am not an extreme who thinks that being a martyr is the best thing they can do in this life
I am also not an athiest
Then Who i am? Do i really have faith or not? And if i have, is it really Faith? If it is, is it strong? and what should i do with that?
So i have always questioned about myself, i try to search for an answer. So i study the Gospel, and can’t stop questioning every line in that book. An elder who helps me to learn the Gospel said that “You don’t need to understand it completely to believe in it”. Oh yes, i know Jesus said “Bless those who believe in things they haven’t seen” (well can’t remember exactly the verse) but yeah, how can i ever open my heart if i don’t question it? What i am looking for is a way to open my heart, to accept things easily, and to be like those kids- believe in things without doubting nor questioning. My dear elder, you perhaps don’t know how fuck up it is for me to handle this stubborn heart. It’s like joining in a closing mouth singing competition. You know you can sing if you open your mouth, but this is a singing competition with a closed mouth. I am having the same competition with the pride i have built all this time: never be tamed and that running free made me for i am. I would feel ashamed with myself if the fence is down and i am leaded easily by those people in church. Just like that, I realize: conquering yourself is the most difficult thing to do in this world.
So dear stubborn heart, will you ever open your vulnerable self so someone or something can ever walk in?
I will see what i will do with you. With much love.