Dear the 11 years old me.

Dear the 11 years old me,
Just so you know,  it’s the first day of 2016 and I’m pretty sure you could never predict whom would you be and whom would you see at the age of 21 right?
So I’m telling you that you’ve grown up into an older version of you,  chubby still,  not as white as before,  capable of using the left hemisphere of your brain but also know science ( the 16 years old you went to a gifted school and specialized in biology,  are you proud?),  tough but fragile and emotional as f*ck no matter how hard the 12 years old you tried to train itself.
You loved, well, still,  you love.
Love is not that amazing like what you think,  but it’s not disgusting either. It’s a complex feeling,  like how you felt back then in the 2nd grade when you bit the chalk instead of the biscuit. You wanted to laugh because of the situation you was in- doing such a stupid thing as human nature without being aware of it and at the same time,  you wanted to cry since it was you who fooled yourself. The chalk was bitter remember? But you still ate the biscuit after washing your mouth and spitting all the dust out. You make mistakes,  you learn and you grow. Love is just like that,  it’s beautiful either way.
Responsibility is not scary like what you think, yes I know it’s overwhelming,  but the 21 years old you has it attached on her mind,  facing and taking it as a challenge of life. She is,  well,  sometimes,  selfless.
She has friends,  many friends,  good friends,  close friends,  best friends,  boy friend. She has real friends. She is not bullied anymore,  and she learns that all the bullying which you, your 12,13 and 14 years old self suffer is a part of her today. That’s what shapes her personality and the armour she has. She did hate it,  be bitter about it,  complain about it,  be haunted because of it. She could not forgive nor forget. She denied to see the ugly scar she had inside that has never been healed. But lately she’s appreciated for it,  confronts it,  and looks at it,  bravely. She’s healed, or at least, she’s being sarcastic instead of being bitter which does bring laughter to some people if you look at its positive side.
By the way
She’s not a doctor,  nor a zoologist,  nor an engineer. She’s not in Paris,  nor California,  nor Moscow. She’s just a normal linguistic student in her last year with lots of fears,  worries,  creative ideas,  interesting relationships and some achievements that make her happy sometimes. She knows some languages,  more than you can ever imagine or think of. You’re not even good at English,  are you? But don’t feel sad,  languages are not something you can learn over night,  later on in life,  you will find that passion and motivation you need to really learn things you love without any frustration. I know that the 12 years old you feels so left out and useless when it goes to the English class and being underestimated by that silly kid who thinks that she’s good at English. I’m telling you that you will feel better,  and strong,  and push yourself to do better. You are a tough kid. I’m very proud of you.
She’s not a woman like how you imagine. But she has your smile,  bright and can warm up someone’s heart. She still has you brown eyes,  full of curiosity and reflects the beautiful world around her. She cries sometimes and her eyes get very red like those marks on your body whenever you’re beaten. But trust me,  the physical pains are nothing comparing to the mental pains. She does feel bad sometimes to let you become a depressive young adult. But hey,  don’t hate her yet,  she still sees the virtue and  beauty of life , that’s the thing you should know about her. Besides,  she has a big heart and don’t mind throwing  her selfishness to the trash can in order to help people out.
However,  she’s really sarcastic,  her jokes are funny but crude. She always shows up wearing either a cold bitchy indifferent mask or a stupid one. I know you enjoy the shows people play,  she does too,  she has some good laugh whenever people label her or try to label her. But then,  just like how you are,  she knows it’s important to keep herself out of the play,  being direct,  honest and sincere no matter how much people dislike it. And don’t you worry,  she’s lucky enough to find those who accept her for who she is. So at the end of the day,  no matter how lonely she is,  she knows that she’s not alone.
She thinks of you sometimes, 
She wants to thank you.
Thank you for not killing yourself  that autumn afternoon,  so she’s still alive now and trying her best to live,  learn and love.
Thank you for enjoying the meaning of life and all the simple things around you,  for all those times you spend on the hill behind your little house finding veggie to eat,  for being happy every morning on the way to school even your stomach is empty and you never have pocket money like other kid.
Thank you for enduring all the bad times,  the verbal bullies,  the physical bullies,  the rejection,  the coldness and the loneliness.
Thank you for learning how to be an adult at a very young age,  for giving up all your joy,  your innocence and your choice to be a kid in order to be a dad,  a mom and a big brother.
Thank you for not bragging about it like a ridiculous pathetic childish girl.
Thank you for studying well at school and keeping your passion for art.
Thank you for being strong at the darkest time,  for not giving up at the situation you’re in,  for being a kid with an old soul.
Thank you for having a good heart that unfortunately you have never had the gut to admit it.
Thank you for being understanding and always being there for people when they need.
Thank you for being a wonderful little person who still stays inside her and grows up with her in time.
Another year has gone,  and she’s here now thinking about what she has done and has not. She thinks that she should thank you,  because of you,  she changed at the age of 11…
Happy new year,  from the 21 year old you.


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