It’s amazing how she can remember exactly how it felt like when the crust of the black bread touched her lips at 6 in the morning, the breadcrumbs are lying in the corner of her mouth, falling down on the pink floral sheet. It was messy.
She remembers drawing a butterfly on the tallest building, “bricks can also fly” – she said
She remembers watching Natgeo around 10 at night, the jaguar was tearing the deer’s flesh out of its bones. The light from the tv lied lazily on the bed, but the corner she stayed.
She remembers Lenny Kravitz yelling on the radio ” I wonder if I ever see you again…” in an autumn day. The blouse slid down on her body, she turned away.
She remembers talking over a cider on a January night, being surrounded by the irritating smell of cigars and the exhausting sound from the football match that was live streamed.
She remembers the sad look, the hands squeezing, the kiss on the forehead.
She remembers holding hands secretly in a party full of people, known and unknown.
She remembers driving together after tea time, walking all around her tiny world.
She remembers sitting in the bath tub, water running down from head to toes, looking over his back while he was brushing his teeth, she told him to get married. ” whom will marry me?” – that’s the answer.
She remembers the empty feelings, knowing that no matter how hard she tried, things would just remain the same.
She remembers the helpless feeling, knowing no matter how hard she tried, she could never make him happy.
She remembers standing alone in the shower, crying for the first time, feeling her heart squeezed for the first time, knowing love for the first time.
She remembers it was a long time ago, she can’t even remember it right: the time order, the occasion, the emotion, the feeling.
She remembers his face. She remembers his portrait. She remembers their photo taking together, she forgets many things but yet remembers a lot.
Then she realized time doesn’t erase, delete, remove. Time heals.
Love doesn’t disappear, change, transform. Love renews, just like a swollen muscle after training waiting to have enough nutrition to re-create a stronger version of itself, love is strengthened after time.
The new love is nothing like the old one but unique, beautiful, strong and passionate in it own way.
The person who comes after is nothing like the person who left but wonderful, gorgeous, special and loved.
She’s having an affair,
An affair with her past just to know how much she’s in love with the reality,
An affair with her past to finally look at those memories from the outside and cover them with a soft touch.
An affair with her past to know how hard it was suffering all those moments, so today she can cherish everything she has, love, and again open her heart to let love in.
She calls it home.


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