The wildest dream

The wildest dream,

came in a rainy day at twilight,

dressed with sarcasm at the corner of that smile

wore an intellectual look in the end of those eyes

walked with pride in every step.

The wildest dream,

sat across the table in a spring day,

curious glance, playful tease

wise words, charming conversation

how alluring it was for a smart head to play dumb

how inviting it was for Angelo’s David to act like Quasimodo

The wildest dream,

doesn’t mind wearing an amour that dims the inner brightness

playing the stupid role

crashing the labels

choosing  the ridiculous creepiness over the intimidating intelligence .

The wildest dream,

toned arms stirring hot tea

slurps elegance, breaths silliness

economic reports on one side of the broken screen

jokes about life on a side

everything turns into a comedy

chivalry is overrated

romance is tortuous

strange bond is light

love is strange.

The wildest dream,

the philosopher dresses as a brainy smartass

undressing me from the queen ant to altruism

from 42 of Douglas Adams to chili con carne

from Verhofstadt’s “Do it” to Taiwan’s tax system

from dualism to canned tuna

from an eros kind to agape type

my elinika sucks like your color of sky

but, of a pragma love, i’m so capable.

in the end, nothing i can’t handle.

The wildest dream,

wakes me up at noon

feeds me with yellow spoon

and a walk under the moon.

Puts me in the cocoon

that will be ripped out,

so soon.

Kissing on the thin lips.

Kissing on the thin lips
I taste sweetness
I taste you
I taste the day undone.

Kissing on the thin lips
My world spins
Your existence is a hint
You make me sin.

Kissing on the thin lips
Sweats from your neck
Drop on my lips
Salty
I don’t know if I cry

You searched for my lips
In an April day
Hands on my hips
We never got on that ship.

You searched for my lips
In a birthday night
With a love aside
It is never right.

You searched for my lips
I searched for yours
Kissing on the thin lips
Like never before…

The V card

The Valentine’s card,
Arrived with a hole on the left side of the pink envelope,
In an humid afternoon.
Sweaty palms,  shaking scissors,
I can’t wait any longer.

The words are dancing under the starry sky
The Rthymth’s bleeding under the moonlight,
Your love makes me high.
I want nothing,  but hold you tight.
I fly.

The world is big
But I never get sick
Of loving and waiting for you
This love doesn’t make me whole, 
Not a platonic union of soul
But the imperfection is just perfect
And I know
My whole life ahead will never be a show…

P. S: I love you,  to the moon and back…

Irritation.

I lie on the bed at night
Wondering whom I really am
Feel like i’m
Going out everyday under someone else’s skin
Walking with someone else’s feet
Kissing without those lips of my own,  
Love is expressed with the physical body.
I’m trapped,  stuck,  struggling with a body that makes me tired and judged, 
With a desire that I don’t want
With the stupid acts that I don’t hope for
With the sickness that I never ask for.
With the irrational  unwanted feelings and unstable emotion.
…..
I see myself
Sitting in a dark room
Water drop,  dripping on the floor
The sound echoes
The cold air cuts my skin
The pressure presses down on my bruises
The eyes are blind,  tears are stuck inside the globe
The heart is vulnerable,  the land is dried.
The soul is tied,  the feathers are lying on earth.
…..
Seeing you through the screen cutting my heart into pieces
Thinking of losing you one day makes me hurt in a stupid way.
I just know,  I’m not the one.
I’m not that perfect one who is always fun to be with.
I’m vulnerable and sensitive as f*ck.
I’m not that strong to going through sh*t sometimes, 
I’m falling apart inside.
Everything irritates me,  using too many “I” pisses me off.
Not making you happy pisses me off
Seeing myself being paranoid about an unknown future without you, pisses me off
Seeing myself broken in pieces inside,  pisses me off.
I love,  and I’m lonely,  and I’m anxious
I don’t know who I am,  but then I’m the one who knows the most…
Knife can help,  scars are pleasure, freedom is important…

A year later

They say that each song we listen to represents a feeling we have for a specific person.
If so,
You’re the whole album of Goo Goo Dolls.
Their songs tear my heart apart.
A year later,
I still drive alone on the street
At 10pm,  tears streaming down on my cheek
I still feel the spring breeze in my hair
Cold night air scratches my scar
My eyes are still wet
Seeing someone likes you on the street
My heart still keeps a beat
Thinking of all the memories we had.
My hands are shaking, 
Touching everything left of us
It still hurts whenever I think of you
Memories don’t die,  they’re just vague.
I can still hear the vendor yelling in a strange language on Khao San road
Smell the BBQ from the sidewalk
Breath the city breeze in my lungs
Feel the warmth,  and then the pain.
The love died.
That love died.
Memories survive.
Pains are mine.
I don’t love you,  I don’t hate you.
I’m irrelevant,  but I wish you happy.
Because you deserve that,  I still believe so.
Just one thing,  I could never forget how you destroyed my faith in love, 
And gave me such a hard time building my vulnerable self again in loving someone else
I could never forget how you built up my doubt because of my own obsession from our experience,  so the one who comes later could never see my love as pure as how it was back then
I could never forget how painful it was to open up my heart to let someone in and cry my heart out seeing the person who comes later struggling with my bitter side. He doesn’t deserve that.
I don’t blame you,  I forgive.
Im just hurt, but thank you for that Tigrito,
I now know what real love is like.

The answer.

It was a quiet and lovely afternoon, they lied together on the king bed in the dark room. She could hear nothing but him,  breathing. He grabbed her hand and put it on his bicep,  teased her :
” it’s stiff here,  you have to massage me. It will give you some skills to be a good wife”
Her heart dropped a beat hearing that. She squeezed his arm then bended down to feel his warmth and run her fingers on his smooth skin,  sarcasm come out from her throat :
” don’t worry,  my husband would never be demanding like how you are.”
He turned around, pulled her closer and nailed her on the bed,  breathed heavily :
“no,  your husband will be even more demanding than how I am. ”
They both kept being quiet,  he breathed her,  she tasted him,  there was something beautiful but bitter about the saddest truth when you realize that the person you love could never be the person whom you choose to have a future with. His arms rested on her arms,  his head rested on her back,  his whole naked body nailed her down. The hot, humid weather made them both sweated,  his hip kept moving…  Suddenly,  she kissed him softly on his lips,  he turned away. He was scared,  scared of the kisses,  scared of the burning flame inside them,  scared of the unsaid feeling that would ruin the boundaries they had tried to build.
“I love you!”- she whispered in his ears while he was deep inside her and they both tried to catch their breath. He rested his head on her shoulder, kissing her neck but avoiding her lips, then slowly kissed her all over her face possessively while holding her hands above her head. He looked into her eyes,  and she knew the answer. All the moments they had had together since the first day they met flashed in front of her like a slow motion movie. She saw his happy smile while he was cooking for her,  his worrying eyes whike he was looking for her,  his desirable look in bed,  their intellectual conversation,  their chilling walk in the park,  the quiet but peaceful time they had…
The boundaries are still there,  but they took their invisible fences down. They will never walk on the same path,  but sometimes in life,  things are beautiful just the way it is,  secretive,  undone,  unknown,  silent on the outside but lousy like the ocean wave hitting the beach shore on the inside…

Untitled

I took a shower at 5 in the afternoon,  next to an open window from which I can view the whole city rushing on their way home. The sun was irritatingly shining on the glass,  made my shadow being cut in pieces on the floor,  it could not be whole. I slowly turned on the water,  it’s running down on my hair,  dripping down on my body,  I saw the water drop running down on the broken shadow,  again,  just a vague image on the slippery floor.
Water kept running,  my hand run all over my body,  tried to scratch my back while the feet rubbing each other so they can be cleaned. I remember the first time being cleaned, he said ” we all need someone in the same shower to clean our back for us.” I’m still alone scratching my back.
Walked out of the shower,  I grabbed the pink hair dryer and the towel and sat on the edge of the bed,  the chair is sitting in front of me,  at the corner of the  room,  next to the Window. The black pillow lied on it lazily.  Those poor things,  seeing the beauty of the sun,  being so close to the heat but could never let the sun know what they want and who they are. The chair is lonely.
Couldn’t stand the sad story, I turned on the laptop,  sitting an hour listening to a lecture in the dark. People call it loneliness,  I call it peace. I remember you said many time that life is open, therefore you have no plan. I agree. Nothing should be planned,  I like surprises, that’s how life should be. Lonelines is, too. It comes unexpectedly, and maybe never leaves…