We were in his room in a hot steamy day. The city’s sound was left outside on the other side of the bedroom’s door. His curtains had always been closed,  now opened,  letting some naughty late sunlight streamed down on the wooden floor lazily. I stared at the sky over the window’s glass,  squeeze the thick curtains in my hand,  slowly relplied to his uncurious questions. I looked at the man standing right in front of me,  the space from where I stood to the place where he was wandering around made me think of how far in distance we actually were. My feeling of home slightly fled away and only an unknown empty feeling that stayed. My faith in human relationship was somehow destroyed in a dramatic sense,  or in any other senses,  if there is more than one nuance of it.

We, us, our, together. All the words that show how much united things can be,  that might burn your heart a just a little too much when you hear it from the right person. With him,  it’s different. Something that is built to be ruined,  that is started,  to be ended. I have never seen a future with him,  and It will never change. All the time we spend together,  a year that full of stars gazing and home being has never meant to last. I put an end to the undone chapter of the story without an epilogue,  but my heart still race. I sometimes hear his voice in my dream,  see the loving eyes and the sarcastic smile on those thin lips. I dream of being loved,  of a harmonious feeling we can never have, of his full name I can never spell.
That’s it,  pretty much sums up the story of me and the mosquito that sucks my blood. A story that never ends….


The dream

Sitting on the edge of the bed, 
mysterious smile on the thin lips,
Hands holding mine,
Warm loving eyes,
I know that it’s mine.

Chinese town,  dark room
I’m busy finding my way out,
Following the dimmed light in the corner of the big place.
All the fears could never make me feel safe.
You never know that’s what I hate,
Being locked inside a cave.

Once in a while, 
I see where I belong to,
Settle down the adventurous soul, 
Homemade meal,  night walks.
Safe and sound, eased at heart.
Sex’s the starter,  peace’s the main course.
Sapiosexual,  our convo, 
Physical needs are not included.
Never make me wonder the purpose,
Never have to ponder twice.
I know I’m in love, 
Head over heal for the way you talk,
Wise words,  smart mind,
Those things that always shine.
For me,
It’s the best,
Being on the surface
Gazing at moons and stars, 
Caring at the right place,
Living life at some shades.

Lying on the wrong side of the bed,
I wake up in tears
You’re the love and the fear,
Being in the dream  I have,
thing just ends before it begins.

Hell of sin.

I suddenly see myself doing the things you do, feeling like this, loving like that.
Moving my hands in the air like the way you express your self whenever you rant.
Making myself busy, letting myself hungry.
I drive over the bridge,  seeing the city lights below,  sparkling like stars on earth.
The river flows,  smooth, quiet,  or it’s just me not being close enough to hear its lullaby?
A kid sitting on the side of the road,  crumpled clothes,  naive smile.
My heart is crumbled.
You’re still there,  honking, showing me the stars up there.
You’re still there,  walking aside,  trying to make me smile.
You’re still there,  walking behind,  telling me to slow down.
You’re there,  being yourself,  no age,  no name,  no tittle.
I am here,  knowing I’ve got a right to be wrong,
I am here, singing the song only my heart can hear,
I am here,  burning down the wall to set me free.
Smooth skin,  thin lips,
Not a single things I can keep.
Take a sip, don’t be on the ship.
Just be there,  the flame in my hell of sin.

Running to you

Running to you,
In the room there’s just us two,
The curtains fall, time passes.

Running to you,
In the room there’s just us two,
Labels are dead, love’s alive.

Running to you, 
Chaos in minds,  a storm at heart
With you,
I forget the world still turns.

Running to you,
naked skin,  bare heart.
A tear,  I’ve never shed.
With you,
My heart’s relieved.

Running to you, 
Dance in your shirt,
Mess in your bed,
Kiss you,
I’m relieved.

It wasn’t too soon, it just wasn’t right

I remember the first time falling in love, he was in his 30s, I just turned 18. We had an interesting affair but disgusting and unacceptable for some people. A hidden, secretive affair which was hidden so well that until now, 4 years later, nobody knows that we were together. As much interesting as it might sound, we were scared, frustrated, over worried. We saw each other in public and would keep a distance from the other, throwing sarcasm in the air like a code that noone else but us could decipher. Glancing furtively,  giving kiss quietly.. for an adventurous, spontaneous and curious soul like me, nothing could be more perfect than that.

The first time falling in love, I scrupulously texted him with my broken alter ego at 2 in the morning after a big jug of sangria . It was a rant, with an opening reason and a closing result, like a ceremony at church every  Sunday. Of course i had no boyfriend afterwards. The “I love you” i said at that time was a breakout from all the pressure i put my heart under, i had no expectation towards anything.   I slowly let him in, he burned my guard down, made the women out of me, and taught me how to love myself. I see the male version of me inside him, seeing my soul wandering around his head. It was complicated, hurtful, i walked out of the affair with an ugly hole in my heart and a distorted definition of love: “A torture love is a beautiful one.” I mistook sacrificing and taking for grant. It was not too soon to say I love you, It just wasn’t right.

The second time i thought i fell in love, he was a one night stand that turned in to a “so many nights together”. For the first time in my life, i knew how great it was to be in a “somewhat real” relationship. We stayed together, discovered things together, made plans together, and built up in my head a happy ending of the dating game. I remember myself being on the last flight of the day, seeing all the lights below sparking beautifully in the dark, being excited to be with a new man who warmed my heart. I remember waking up one morning by a gentle kiss and hot coffee in bed, for the first time in my life, I told someone that they were the best. I remember us standing in the front yard, smoking, kissing, trying to guess what the neighbors talked about and laughing at the weird song on the national radio in a language that we both didn’t know. I remember the movie marathon before my 4am flight, we both could not sleep, for the first time in my life, i saw a man cried. Little did i know, it was the last night we were together. I remember us breaking up on skype, I tried to explain the “I love you ” as a feeling that is more than “Like” and very hard to describe. I cried so hard that night, the night after, a month after, and six months after. The love was gone, even when I know that he told my friend about how he did love me but never had the gut to tell me, the memories torment me like an open wound. I learned it the hard way not to be rush on something I want to last. I mistook a rebound and genuine love. I know the the break up wasn’t too soon, as the love was just not right.

The third time falling in love, I faced my physical desire and intellectual conflict with a chill mind. I knew there was no future, I knew that things can only be beautiful if it’s left undone. It is extremely beautiful what we have, and I never want to describe the love with details or make a novel out of it. Out of all the love I have, for the first time, I feel inner peace within every little things we do together, even it’s the smallest one. The third time falling in love, I found myself whispering in his ears “I love you” with music in my ears turning to max. I was afraid of hearing myself. He said thank you. Things just ended. It was not too soon, it was not even right.

The fourth time falling in love, he’s smart, gentle, chivalrous, loving and caring; I’m vulnerable, broken, skeptical, hide myself under the stupid insecure armour. People reach their lover, wearing silk on the outside and word that melt the heart. I reach my lover with an unacceptable coldness, dress up as a porcupine, scary and distant.
The fourth time falling in love, I remember texting him “my feeling is more than just Like”. I would probably break the records for those who are boring and have no idea what romance is. I would address myself as a tranquil person, with a broken heart, I don’t expect myself dragging all the pieces along the way I go but someone can just spot me out of the corner I stand, and come up to clean them with me. I thought I could never be found again, I thought I could never be loved. Then he came, like a cleansing wave and a refreshing breeze that make me feel alive. Being around him, bare feet in the kitchen, naked in bed, I feel like going home after a long battle. The battle of love and dating the wrong person over again. I don’t see myself being scrupulous, hurt or vulnerable with my “I love you” anymore. I said it then, in a nature way, without hesitation, but a curiosity about my brave broken self, and a tranquil, quiet love. I say it now, every day, every time I want to, every moment I feel like. For the first time in my life, I tell someone that they’re my world. Saying “I love you” to my boyfriend was not too soon, or wrong. It was just right. Right place, right time, right person. Someone that makes a chapter of your life become a fairy tale with a happy ending everyday, inspires you, motivates you, loves you and cares for you as much as they can. Someone that you can go home to after a long day, hug them and burry your head to their hairy chest to say “I love you”. Someone that is special, unforgettable and be willing to join in the journey your choose in life. Someone that you can proudly hold their hands and show the world that they’re yours. I am in love, all over again, even there is insecurity as my ridiculous vulnerable self is still in pain, I attach my bare, naked heart in every “I love you” I say to him. People hope to give out love without being hurt, I accept having another scar. Even this perfect love will give me permanent scar, I accept it. It doesn’t matter anymore for me that the heart can be whole again or not. It’s more important that happiness was there, once in a life time. So when you look back, you can proudly say “I loved, and it was true. “.

And then we walk.

And then we walk,
Under the moonlight,
There’s nothing to hide,
My ego’s left aside.

And then we walk,
Up,  down and around
With you,  and the cloud
I feel,
Safe and sound.

And then we walk,
Pass by the giant tree
My shoulder,  you squeeze
I’m no longer,  free.

And then we walk,
One step forwards, one step back
It’s hard just to,
Keep on track
Because of you,  I’m cracked.
Your parade, 
I can never match.

And then we walk,
In a quiet place,
I crave.
Storms in  my heart, 
You know,
I’ll never be safe.

Sarcasm can’t fix the soul
I know,  It’ll never be whole.
You’re cold, I’ve been told.
A genius head,  the lost soul
You just can’t be fixed
Like a broken toe.

You found me interesting,
Cause I sin.
The rule were made,
I break.
Under the moonlight,
Love’s unkind.