Novel of a lifetime. 

I have never told you how cold and scary it was,  being looked outside the door alone at 2 in the morning and being beaten up like an animal everyday day. 

I have never told you how lonely it was,  being the only kid in class that has no friend,  no relatives,  nothing. 

I have never told you how hard it was, being bullied by the whole class every day,  lying to yourself that you did have friend when  you had nobody who would stand up for you.  

I have never told you how sad it was,  being a disappointment for your own family and your father doesn’t believe in you anymore. 

I wish I could… 

I have never told you how devastating I was,  sitting on the edge of the bed in  towel,  looking at his photo with her, 

I didn’t know if it was my hair or my eyes that’s wet. 

I have never told you how painful it felt like,  standing in the shower,  being rejected by the one I loved the most and never feel like I’m good enough. 

I have never told you how hopeless it feel like,  to hear all the beautiful words in such a tough reality. 

I have never told you how stressful it is,  lying to myself,  creating a nice illusion while I’m drowning. In the ocean. 

I wish I could… 

I wish I could tell you everything,  

I wish I could tell you,

Everything about me

I wish you knew, 

I wish you knew,  

Something about me

I wish you felt, 

I wish you felt a little bit like how I feel,  

I wish you knew that I feel safe,  being with you. 

I wish you knew that I never want to fool you,  play with you,  hurt you. 

I wish you knew that I’m wounded and vulnerable and I struggle finding a way to heal myself. 

I wish you knew that I cry everyday in silence,  thinking of you,  not because of any special hope,  but loneliness. Knowing that c’est la vie. 

You  make me forget what I have to face everyday. 

You make me forget the pain and stop crying for it,  

You make me alive. 

You make me truly feel like a girl at my age, throwing gummy bears out of the windows,  sailing on the river of depression,  hanging pink heart son the romantic tree, caving your name on the stars

Ah,  corny. 

Not me. 

I mean

Not the me that every one knows. 

Being with you,  I’m in love. I’m quiet, I don’t question,  I’m sarcastic,  I act like I don’t love you,  but I do. 

And I wish,  

You knew. 

I have never told you,  I’m tired,  being lost all the time,  sad,  depressed,  lying to myself about how things could be,  how love feels,  how happiness is,  comforting myself that everything is fine when it is not. 

That kid who wanted to end its life years ago is still inside me,  it was stupid,  I know. But I still feel the same. I now just enjoy eating my depression, or,  let it eat me up inside. 

I have never told you anything. I smile. 

I wish I did,  I wish you cared,  enough to hold my hands once and tell the kiddo me that everything will be alright because you’re there. I need that,  from you. 

I wish you knew. 

But you don’t,  you’re just  a chapter in a Novel of a lifetime. 

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November 23rd, 2016

I admire that guy who can talk about politics for hours with a complete analysis that every individual needs

I admire that guy who works out every day and looks just like a Greek God. 

I admire that guy whose voice melts my heart and has such profound knowledge about all types of wine. 

I admire that guy whose smirk can lighten up my day. 

I admire that guy who drove me around on his bike and gave me crazy butterflies in my stomach. 

I admire that guy who knew me inside out,  enough to break my heart into pieces. 

I admire that guy who gave me such great time in the bed room and such worse time playing mind game. 

I admire that guy whose intelligence sharps my heart…

I can write more,  a list of all the guys I had a chance to know 

A list of all the guys that I once love. 

A list of all the guys to whom I have never had a chance to say “I love you” 

A list of all the guys with whom I can never see a future together. 

A list of all the guys whom I can never imagine wake up to every morning. 

A list of all the guys whose bodies I never bothered cleaning for. 

A list of all the guys that’s never worth my tears. 

A list of all the guys that’s never worth dying for. 

A list of all the guys whose ego is bigger than the greatest feeling of human being. 

Love. 

But you, 

you’re the love. 

You’re the life.  

Because only once in a life time,  you meet somebody that’s worth dying for. 

Out of many people out there,  I’m glad we met,  

Thank you,

Thank you for being mine. 

Creep- a remake.

I am still a creep,

I forever don’t know what I am doing here.

Secretly wish to touch you in the dark,

The lightest touch of the dirty feather on the precious stone

Seeing you move the corner of your lips slightly

And my heart already feels tipsy

Your glance sees through my soul like a knife plunge into my lung.

I can’t breathe.

I loathe liars.

People lie to each other, I lie to myself.

 

I am still a creep

I can’t look you in the eyes,

Even I’ve tried.

You never look into my eyes, You see them.

You never caress me, You touch me

Throw me on your bed like a lion treats its leftover for the vultures

Hey, Is that your culture?

 

I am still a creep.

But I do care since it hurts.

The fear of seeing you settling down with a woman I have never known of

Sending me an invitation out of nowhere, asking for the blessing from my own flesh

Seeing your sad spontaneous soul trapped in a tux

Your feet walking up the hill in a pair of Nike instead of the shiny Italian leather shoes

Your hands trembling, shaking, holding the ring that can somehow, tie you there, on the cross, forever.

Sacrifice your life for something better.

Telling me love is bullshit but giving your heart away one day

Being scared of commitment but crushing your ego to be on your knees kissing her toes one day

Never know who she is, where’s she from, what she does

 

I’m still a creep

Being scared of losing something I’ve never had

Holding on the happiness that is vague, like how the sun shines on a rainy day

I have always missed you.

Like the desert misses the rain,

It dries me out,

I’m now sober, and still am a creep.

But hey, I don’t need alcohol to love you.

and hey,

no more….