Novel of a lifetime. 

I have never told you how cold and scary it was,  being looked outside the door alone at 2 in the morning and being beaten up like an animal everyday day. 

I have never told you how lonely it was,  being the only kid in class that has no friend,  no relatives,  nothing. 

I have never told you how hard it was, being bullied by the whole class every day,  lying to yourself that you did have friend when  you had nobody who would stand up for you.  

I have never told you how sad it was,  being a disappointment for your own family and your father doesn’t believe in you anymore. 

I wish I could… 

I have never told you how devastating I was,  sitting on the edge of the bed in  towel,  looking at his photo with her, 

I didn’t know if it was my hair or my eyes that’s wet. 

I have never told you how painful it felt like,  standing in the shower,  being rejected by the one I loved the most and never feel like I’m good enough. 

I have never told you how hopeless it feel like,  to hear all the beautiful words in such a tough reality. 

I have never told you how stressful it is,  lying to myself,  creating a nice illusion while I’m drowning. In the ocean. 

I wish I could… 

I wish I could tell you everything,  

I wish I could tell you,

Everything about me

I wish you knew, 

I wish you knew,  

Something about me

I wish you felt, 

I wish you felt a little bit like how I feel,  

I wish you knew that I feel safe,  being with you. 

I wish you knew that I never want to fool you,  play with you,  hurt you. 

I wish you knew that I’m wounded and vulnerable and I struggle finding a way to heal myself. 

I wish you knew that I cry everyday in silence,  thinking of you,  not because of any special hope,  but loneliness. Knowing that c’est la vie. 

You  make me forget what I have to face everyday. 

You make me forget the pain and stop crying for it,  

You make me alive. 

You make me truly feel like a girl at my age, throwing gummy bears out of the windows,  sailing on the river of depression,  hanging pink heart son the romantic tree, caving your name on the stars

Ah,  corny. 

Not me. 

I mean

Not the me that every one knows. 

Being with you,  I’m in love. I’m quiet, I don’t question,  I’m sarcastic,  I act like I don’t love you,  but I do. 

And I wish,  

You knew. 

I have never told you,  I’m tired,  being lost all the time,  sad,  depressed,  lying to myself about how things could be,  how love feels,  how happiness is,  comforting myself that everything is fine when it is not. 

That kid who wanted to end its life years ago is still inside me,  it was stupid,  I know. But I still feel the same. I now just enjoy eating my depression, or,  let it eat me up inside. 

I have never told you anything. I smile. 

I wish I did,  I wish you cared,  enough to hold my hands once and tell the kiddo me that everything will be alright because you’re there. I need that,  from you. 

I wish you knew. 

But you don’t,  you’re just  a chapter in a Novel of a lifetime. 

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