Thousand questions.

I stay up at 3 in the morning, wondering what I do and who I am.

I can’t go back to sleep,

My head screams

Me,

Me,

Me,

Where is the Me that stays in the We?

My heart squeezes through the lies, 

Nothing else this heart can’t hide 

Nothing else this heart can tie.

I think of myself, being faded into consumption, modernity, community, humanity, 

Family,

Life,

I think I owe this life,

I might,

I don’t know if I own it or owe it.

But  my brain working so hard to see the real meaning of life.

I’m desperate to see what life really is

I’m depressed to meet the life I want to see

I feel bad for my own self because of the self destructive way of finding the meaning of an obvious journey that I’m already a part of it.

I feel bad for my heart, dropping its inner peace and some of its parts on the way I chose. 

I dropped the inner peace somewhere.

I see labels on things that are unlabeled pretentiously.

I see unreality from the reality 

I feel cold seeing close bonds between family members

I feel warm being just myself in a cold day

What do I want? What am I? 

I feel like a wild beast in a civilized city,

My heart’s gone wild, my brain hurts.

I  thought I would forget, 

I thought I would move on.

But why do the sunsets still make my hearts so empty and hurt deep down?

Seeing the photos bring pain to my brain.

I want a busy working day then running back to you.

I want quiet afternoon with the sun going down outside a locked dark room.

I want gloomy day with a shattered heart, driving by all the quiet places I can.

But then again, that’s simply not the life I’m seeking for.

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Good bye, for good :)

And you wanted to drive up on the bridge in a windy day. We stood there for hours. You told me about your life here and there. I saw plastic bags flying in the air, the river flowing slowly under us. I was scared, that one day I would forget how it feels like to lean my shoulders on your chest while your fingers untangle my hairs. I’m not good at keeping memories, my brain somehow stupidly drops off your scent, your smile and even my thought of you some where on the way I go. But I am good at keeping the pain, everytime I think of what you said, why we did and how you walked away, my brain hurts. It’s difficult for me trying to balance everything in life and putting my heart in the right place. My head spins, my heart is shattered, I know life is not all about gazing stars and smelling grass at night. Life is not even about how intimate we can get behind the locked door but how we embrace the world. I appreciate the memory, but I also take it as a lesson. You taught me how to grow and live with pain, and never sacrificing for anything but happiness and security. It was a long journey, I can’t even count all the nights we walked together just to hear those little crickets singing the song of nature inside the bushes. I can’t remember how many times I left your place feeling completely empty and missing you. I  can’t remember exactly how many times I drove home wondering how you feel about me. But  they’re not important any more. I decide to end this sad song I’ve been playing  for the last 2 years. I know I’m not good, even at good bye. I now know how you feel, hear what you say, see what you do. So let me keep a part of us as a melancholy that makes my heart aches everytime I think of you. Goodbye, this time is for good…. 🙂

One last time 

City lights, one last night,

We owe the lie with the life that isn’t ours 

We own the scars with the pain that’s always ours 

My heart is shattered in pieces,

The storm in my head is never released 

I guess this is all I have, 

I know I just can’t escape 

The one moment when you left,

A part of me,

also dead…

It was my fault… Good bye 🙂