June 22nd 

I’m sitting by the bed, looking over the windows, seeing every light being off from my neighbor’s windows. The night is slowly getting over, but I can’t get over myself. I feel like a kid building castle on the sand and seeing all the grains slipping through the space between my fingers, going back to the sea. I don’t feel right. I miss you so much, I miss quiet road, starry night and the comfortable feeling when I’m around you. I miss a real good laugh and the feeling of being me. Raw feeling, the comfort of not being disturbed and annoyed by superficial love. I don’t think I was born to love or care, I always end up hurting myself. I was not made to love or to be in a loving crowd, because I simply ruin everything I love. I feel like a wolf. I am used to walking on my own, I have my own phobia and hatred that I can’t even explain. But I know that I need you, you and your reality keep me sane. I might not be loved, but it’s ok, because who rrally knows what love is…

Are you alright? 

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London after the rain. 

It has been a month since the last time I stood on the bridge with you. 

Last night, there was a terrorist attack on a bridge too, in a rainy night. Not there, here, where I am, unbelievably far from you. I suddenly find an unexplainable fear deep down my heart, I don’t know what it is. It just scares me how life is so unexpected, and the journey I’m walking on might be corrupted any time without any goal being achieved. I’m not afraid of the death, ignorantly speaking. I’m afraid of losing all the raw memories I try to burry in my heart, everything I try to do, everything I love, everyone I care about, someone I always think of. 

I like to imagine you cooking your boring recipe calmly in your kitchen, with the sleeveless top torn up both side. You, walking like a silly school boy that just got his new toy from the girl he has a crush on. You, mockingly talk about things. We couldn’t take things serious, it was too much of a burden to ask for. I desperate to see you again, and I hate you so much to see you one more time. My feeling is complex, like many layers of an old spider webs which keep my in a humid obscure corner, suffocating in every beat. I would sit at my window everyday waiting for the sun to go down and let my soul wander with melancholy. I’m lost in stability and a love that is too good to be true. I crave for that feeling I had when we were together, I thought I would do anything just to be in your arm again, because illusion is sometimes the best reality.  But as much as I want it, I know I have to carry on with my life and find true happiness for myself with an inner peace that only this self can create. 

I feel weak, leaving your bubble and being alone in my battle again. The unstable real happiness was what kept me going. But guess I have to walk alone now. I loath you for giving the wings for my feeling and burning it down within second. You was such a terrorist attack which my heart had never forseen…