Joy

I would write you a long letter to tell you how i feel and what it feels like to be lonely. But in the end, this is not a love song, i can’t compose the sad melancholic notes for you to play in any other rainy afternoon anymore, not without me.

I don’t know where to begin, i feel too lonely that i would spend time eating breakfast and turn on a video, any video so there would be voices inside the house. I enjoy my alone time too much, too much that i feel lonely, even with someone else by my side. I would go out, i would meet new people, but i don’t know what i am doing, how do i suppose to feel and where should i go next. I am drained and tired. You would hate me so much hearing me saying this again, I am not who you see. This feeling is eating me up, killing me inside, I would sit still for hours, thinking, doing nothing. I am irritated, anti social, mean. And you write me a letter, tell me to go out and meet people? Good opportunity my *ss. I am totally lost, and i am telling you this, i am about to ruin my life forever. Nothing would be the same anymore. Every night i go to bed crying, silently, loudly, obviously, hiddenly. I lost myself again, and i don’t care about me anymore.

Might you send me the joy from where you are?

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The violin man

Green bag, brown eyes

The violin man is walking under the rain.

Music plays in his mind,

He heads up with his heart.

Downpour, thunder,

Lightning strikes in the sky under.

Rhythm pours down on the ground

His heart does nothing but surrenders.

The violin man,

Walking in the cosmos,

Playing for the mascots,

Carrying a wet melody and his heart right on his sleeves.

I wish

Today I lie alone in bed, wishing it was easier to have you.

I wish I was in your arm,

I wish you were turning your back at me sleeping,

I wish you were In the bathroom brushing your teeth

I wish you were in the next room cooking,

I wish you were upstairs again doing laundry,

I wish you were outside driving around,

I wish you were across the street,

I wish you were just a block away,

I wish I could just walk to you,

I wish one bus could finally bring me to where you are.

I wish I could jump on the train and see you at the last station.

I wish I wouldn’t have to be too far from you.

I wish there was no boundary between us

I wish I could close my eyes and feel you next to me.

I wish life was as simple as it should be.

I wish I could keep everything about us,

I wish you remembered,

I wish time stopped, and there would be you, and me, and my inner peace dancing under the moonlight.

Wish you would know.

I wrote you a long letter in my head,

Repeating every single thing over and over again 

Playing with my word,

My heart burned in flame, 

Wanting you to know about me,

Me, wanting to know everything about you.

Are you wearing raincoat driving under the rain?

Do you get sick because of the stupid weather?

Where did you go?

What you ate?

Whom you met?

How you feel?

I want to know if you are doing fine?

I want to know if your diet had changed ?

I want to know who was in your bed last night.

I want you to know my heart struggles

My head spins, my tears drop and my thought can’t stop pouring on my memory.

I want you to know no matter what I Do,

I think of you, 

And my heart screams, wishing you would know.

I want you to know I cry to sleep,

Getting caught in my own chaotic thoughts.

Staying up all night, wondering what have I done with my life, why, how and when.

Many things happened.

I wish you would know.

June 22nd 

I’m sitting by the bed, looking over the windows, seeing every light being off from my neighbor’s windows. The night is slowly getting over, but I can’t get over myself. I feel like a kid building castle on the sand and seeing all the grains slipping through the space between my fingers, going back to the sea. I don’t feel right. I miss you so much, I miss quiet road, starry night and the comfortable feeling when I’m around you. I miss a real good laugh and the feeling of being me. Raw feeling, the comfort of not being disturbed and annoyed by superficial love. I don’t think I was born to love or care, I always end up hurting myself. I was not made to love or to be in a loving crowd, because I simply ruin everything I love. I feel like a wolf. I am used to walking on my own, I have my own phobia and hatred that I can’t even explain. But I know that I need you, you and your reality keep me sane. I might not be loved, but it’s ok, because who rrally knows what love is…

Are you alright? 

London after the rain. 

It has been a month since the last time I stood on the bridge with you. 

Last night, there was a terrorist attack on a bridge too, in a rainy night. Not there, here, where I am, unbelievably far from you. I suddenly find an unexplainable fear deep down my heart, I don’t know what it is. It just scares me how life is so unexpected, and the journey I’m walking on might be corrupted any time without any goal being achieved. I’m not afraid of the death, ignorantly speaking. I’m afraid of losing all the raw memories I try to burry in my heart, everything I try to do, everything I love, everyone I care about, someone I always think of. 

I like to imagine you cooking your boring recipe calmly in your kitchen, with the sleeveless top torn up both side. You, walking like a silly school boy that just got his new toy from the girl he has a crush on. You, mockingly talk about things. We couldn’t take things serious, it was too much of a burden to ask for. I desperate to see you again, and I hate you so much to see you one more time. My feeling is complex, like many layers of an old spider webs which keep my in a humid obscure corner, suffocating in every beat. I would sit at my window everyday waiting for the sun to go down and let my soul wander with melancholy. I’m lost in stability and a love that is too good to be true. I crave for that feeling I had when we were together, I thought I would do anything just to be in your arm again, because illusion is sometimes the best reality.  But as much as I want it, I know I have to carry on with my life and find true happiness for myself with an inner peace that only this self can create. 

I feel weak, leaving your bubble and being alone in my battle again. The unstable real happiness was what kept me going. But guess I have to walk alone now. I loath you for giving the wings for my feeling and burning it down within second. You was such a terrorist attack which my heart had never forseen…

Thousand questions.

I stay up at 3 in the morning, wondering what I do and who I am.

I can’t go back to sleep,

My head screams

Me,

Me,

Me,

Where is the Me that stays in the We?

My heart squeezes through the lies, 

Nothing else this heart can’t hide 

Nothing else this heart can tie.

I think of myself, being faded into consumption, modernity, community, humanity, 

Family,

Life,

I think I owe this life,

I might,

I don’t know if I own it or owe it.

But  my brain working so hard to see the real meaning of life.

I’m desperate to see what life really is

I’m depressed to meet the life I want to see

I feel bad for my own self because of the self destructive way of finding the meaning of an obvious journey that I’m already a part of it.

I feel bad for my heart, dropping its inner peace and some of its parts on the way I chose. 

I dropped the inner peace somewhere.

I see labels on things that are unlabeled pretentiously.

I see unreality from the reality 

I feel cold seeing close bonds between family members

I feel warm being just myself in a cold day

What do I want? What am I? 

I feel like a wild beast in a civilized city,

My heart’s gone wild, my brain hurts.

I  thought I would forget, 

I thought I would move on.

But why do the sunsets still make my hearts so empty and hurt deep down?

Seeing the photos bring pain to my brain.

I want a busy working day then running back to you.

I want quiet afternoon with the sun going down outside a locked dark room.

I want gloomy day with a shattered heart, driving by all the quiet places I can.

But then again, that’s simply not the life I’m seeking for.