I have a vivid dream.

I have a vivid dream,

You are standing there, naked,

Using your man power over me.

I see you in the man sitting on the parallel train,

I see you in the man walking with a bag in his hand.

I smell you in that man in thousand other men running across the street.

I smell you, on me, in my own shower, pouring all over me.

I touch you, in the curtain, wrapping around my memories,

I touch you, on my skin, with the obscure scent of yesterday.

I hear you, echoing in the back of my head, disrupting my silence.

I hear you, whispering in my ears, words I want to hear.

I see you in everything I do,

I bring you into my writing, my talk, my thought.

I see me, talking about you every time I have a chance to.

I have a lucid dream,

I was standing there, naked

Using my vulnerability to bring myself back to reality.

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April, 2018.

Pulled myself out of the dream I never want to end,

Reality slaps me hard, I am here, at somewhere I don’t want to be.

I wanted to escape the crowded place,

Held your hands and ran to the wood.

Now that the crowd wouldn’t bother me anymore,

not having you here should.

 

I crave to see you sitting next to me, being quiet, being you.

Running your fingers up and down my spine,

Putting this heart on the line.

I crave to paint you, pull you out of that corner that quite not shined,

Shading those parts that haven’t been right,

Kissing you with my brush, at least, I try.

Please stay, that inquisitive smile.

Even then I left,

even if I could go back in time and still,

could never make you love me like the way I do.

All that time has gone, and my heart,

still stays right there, where you are.

Letter 4 you.

I have longed to send you a letter for a while. But at the moment, i could not know which “you” that i Am referring to. Perhaps “you” are the memories that i have been holding on to. English personal pronounce – makes me fall in love and being confused at the same time. You make me feel great for being neutral (not addressing any “you” in particular) and make my head confused (for the unlimited “you” can be on the list). So here we go…

1. For you, J.S

Querido mio… i saw a picture of hou having your matrimonio civil yesterday. All i could think of was you with your brightest smile being on the bike, cycling all around Saigon and trying to be a good son of God. I have never seen you as a missionary, or an elder, or a beloved son of God i see you as a man, as a friend, as someone I can trust, that I can talk to without thinking of the mess i am in. I know I have no right to ask you to be the “you” in Saigon, because i am not the “me” back there anymore. But let me keep the memories of us, will you? Pienso en ti cuando escucho a “Ciudad Mágica”. Sabes qué? Es difícil encontrar alguien a quien también le guste esta canción…

2. For you, profesora S. Guyomarch

I remember the last time i talked to you was during your summer break in France. I lost your number, but I know I can just email you any time, and i still have not found a good reason to do. Not that i am lazy, i just feel like I have disappointed you, without you knowing it.

Everytime I read or watch anything related to the Mayans, the Aztecas, the Incas… I think of you. I think of you in your blue shirt with the sweaty back, passionately explaining to us about the importance of history and culture, trying to civilised our barbaric ignorant mind through the ancient civilisation. You smiled with us, you shouted at us, you were angry, you were disappointed. I would never forget the words you said in the class. My clasmates might find your class boring, that you’re a strict teacher and scared of you, i am not. I did have a great fear, that your class would soon end and I would have to face with the brutal presence which would soon turn into history in time.

I would never forget every morning we sat together at that bench in the D hall, you guided me through every part of my tesina, you bent me without breaking me, pushed me without scaring me, preached me without boring me. You never know how proud i was, putting your name on my final cover as my supervisor. I respect you, and cherish the time i got to spend with you.

I would also never forget that afternoon when you told me about the future, about the reality, and that studying is not always the best option. What can I say now?

You have never been wrong…

I miss being mentored by you.

3. For you, the crush I had in grade 11

I don’t miss you, at all.

I even think it was silly of me having a crush on you. Unlike my other ex, or crushes, you have never been worth it.

So, you would probably wonder why you’re on this list?

I remember listening to Taylot Swift “You belong with me” and felt so sad. I listen to that song again today, and seeing myself laying on the cold floor, surrounding by my homework, my paintings, and a little ipod with this song on. I saw how lost, how sad, how confused I am. I know now I sometimes jokingly say that i am confused about my own identity since people keep assuming that I’m Chinese, but the identity crisis was a real challenge for me back then.

Waking up everyday, i looked at myself in the mirror and wonder whether it was me or someone else. I was lost then, i am still lost now. But the path on which i got lost then was so different. Now that I looked back on it, it was darker than ever. It was just a long journey of finding who I was, of teaching myself what worth fighting for, of starting to know how to love, and of loving the wrong person at the wrong time. Not that I am any better now, i still have to learn about which thing that is worth fighting for, i still have to learn how to love, and i-still-love-the-wrong-person sometimes. But I have gone a long way from that point of my life, and knowing who I am, and what I can do.

So, thank you for making my teenager time a little bit poetic and colourful.

4. For ???

There it is, now coming down to the big question in my life at the moment. I guess you are fine. At least that what you say in your letter.

Have you ever, not been good?

I remember everytime you was sick, you wanted me to come over. You wanted me to be there, while you was sleeping in your fever, to watch you. You did not want to be alone.

I remember everytime you was tired, you wanted me to have dinner with you, in silence, with the TV on. You did not want to be lonely.

I remember many things that my heart and my head feel exhausted whenever I think of it. More than Anyone else, you mean a lot to me that even me cannot explain it. You was a bridge. You was the hand that pulled me out of the dark moment of my life. You was the one who showed me how it feels like when someone cares and takes care of me. You was the one who showed me the pain that Queen sang in their song. You was the one who encouraged me to be with the person who loves me while I didn’t think i was worth it.

You keep telling me to enjoy my new life. I actually don’t know what to do sometimes. And i cannot just run to you like before. I miss it, I miss you, and i am in love with our memories. I would say that I love you, I always do, but it is not appropriate anymore, so i will keep it for myself. And I hope you know. I hope you knew it that night you kissed me goodnight.

I hope you knew it when I took off my helmet and walked to you that day to kiss you good bye.

I hope it has never been “good bye”…

Joy

I would write you a long letter to tell you how i feel and what it feels like to be lonely. But in the end, this is not a love song, i can’t compose the sad melancholic notes for you to play in any other rainy afternoon anymore, not without me.

I don’t know where to begin, i feel too lonely that i would spend time eating breakfast and turn on a video, any video so there would be voices inside the house. I enjoy my alone time too much, too much that i feel lonely, even with someone else by my side. I would go out, i would meet new people, but i don’t know what i am doing, how do i suppose to feel and where should i go next. I am drained and tired. You would hate me so much hearing me saying this again, I am not who you see. This feeling is eating me up, killing me inside, I would sit still for hours, thinking, doing nothing. I am irritated, anti social, mean. And you write me a letter, tell me to go out and meet people? Good opportunity my *ss. I am totally lost, and i am telling you this, i am about to ruin my life forever. Nothing would be the same anymore. Every night i go to bed crying, silently, loudly, obviously, hiddenly. I lost myself again, and i don’t care about me anymore.

Might you send me the joy from where you are?

The violin man

Green bag, brown eyes

The violin man is walking under the rain.

Music plays in his mind,

He heads up with his heart.

Downpour, thunder,

Lightning strikes in the sky under.

Rhythm pours down on the ground

His heart does nothing but surrenders.

The violin man,

Walking in the cosmos,

Playing for the mascots,

Carrying a wet melody and his heart right on his sleeves.

I wish

Today I lie alone in bed, wishing it was easier to have you.

I wish I was in your arm,

I wish you were turning your back at me sleeping,

I wish you were In the bathroom brushing your teeth

I wish you were in the next room cooking,

I wish you were upstairs again doing laundry,

I wish you were outside driving around,

I wish you were across the street,

I wish you were just a block away,

I wish I could just walk to you,

I wish one bus could finally bring me to where you are.

I wish I could jump on the train and see you at the last station.

I wish I wouldn’t have to be too far from you.

I wish there was no boundary between us

I wish I could close my eyes and feel you next to me.

I wish life was as simple as it should be.

I wish I could keep everything about us,

I wish you remembered,

I wish time stopped, and there would be you, and me, and my inner peace dancing under the moonlight.

Wish you would know.

I wrote you a long letter in my head,

Repeating every single thing over and over again 

Playing with my word,

My heart burned in flame, 

Wanting you to know about me,

Me, wanting to know everything about you.

Are you wearing raincoat driving under the rain?

Do you get sick because of the stupid weather?

Where did you go?

What you ate?

Whom you met?

How you feel?

I want to know if you are doing fine?

I want to know if your diet had changed ?

I want to know who was in your bed last night.

I want you to know my heart struggles

My head spins, my tears drop and my thought can’t stop pouring on my memory.

I want you to know no matter what I Do,

I think of you, 

And my heart screams, wishing you would know.

I want you to know I cry to sleep,

Getting caught in my own chaotic thoughts.

Staying up all night, wondering what have I done with my life, why, how and when.

Many things happened.

I wish you would know.