I have longed to send you a letter for a while. But at the moment, i could not know which “you” that i Am referring to. Perhaps “you” are the memories that i have been holding on to. English personal pronounce – makes me fall in love and being confused at the same time. You make me feel great for being neutral (not addressing any “you” in particular) and make my head confused (for the unlimited “you” can be on the list). So here we go…
1. For you, J.S
Querido mio… i saw a picture of hou having your matrimonio civil yesterday. All i could think of was you with your brightest smile being on the bike, cycling all around Saigon and trying to be a good son of God. I have never seen you as a missionary, or an elder, or a beloved son of God i see you as a man, as a friend, as someone I can trust, that I can talk to without thinking of the mess i am in. I know I have no right to ask you to be the “you” in Saigon, because i am not the “me” back there anymore. But let me keep the memories of us, will you? Pienso en ti cuando escucho a “Ciudad Mágica”. Sabes qué? Es difícil encontrar alguien a quien también le guste esta canción…
2. For you, profesora S. Guyomarch
I remember the last time i talked to you was during your summer break in France. I lost your number, but I know I can just email you any time, and i still have not found a good reason to do. Not that i am lazy, i just feel like I have disappointed you, without you knowing it.
Everytime I read or watch anything related to the Mayans, the Aztecas, the Incas… I think of you. I think of you in your blue shirt with the sweaty back, passionately explaining to us about the importance of history and culture, trying to civilised our barbaric ignorant mind through the ancient civilisation. You smiled with us, you shouted at us, you were angry, you were disappointed. I would never forget the words you said in the class. My clasmates might find your class boring, that you’re a strict teacher and scared of you, i am not. I did have a great fear, that your class would soon end and I would have to face with the brutal presence which would soon turn into history in time.
I would never forget every morning we sat together at that bench in the D hall, you guided me through every part of my tesina, you bent me without breaking me, pushed me without scaring me, preached me without boring me. You never know how proud i was, putting your name on my final cover as my supervisor. I respect you, and cherish the time i got to spend with you.
I would also never forget that afternoon when you told me about the future, about the reality, and that studying is not always the best option. What can I say now?
You have never been wrong…
I miss being mentored by you.
3. For you, the crush I had in grade 11
I don’t miss you, at all.
I even think it was silly of me having a crush on you. Unlike my other ex, or crushes, you have never been worth it.
So, you would probably wonder why you’re on this list?
I remember listening to Taylot Swift “You belong with me” and felt so sad. I listen to that song again today, and seeing myself laying on the cold floor, surrounding by my homework, my paintings, and a little ipod with this song on. I saw how lost, how sad, how confused I am. I know now I sometimes jokingly say that i am confused about my own identity since people keep assuming that I’m Chinese, but the identity crisis was a real challenge for me back then.
Waking up everyday, i looked at myself in the mirror and wonder whether it was me or someone else. I was lost then, i am still lost now. But the path on which i got lost then was so different. Now that I looked back on it, it was darker than ever. It was just a long journey of finding who I was, of teaching myself what worth fighting for, of starting to know how to love, and of loving the wrong person at the wrong time. Not that I am any better now, i still have to learn about which thing that is worth fighting for, i still have to learn how to love, and i-still-love-the-wrong-person sometimes. But I have gone a long way from that point of my life, and knowing who I am, and what I can do.
So, thank you for making my teenager time a little bit poetic and colourful.
4. For ???
There it is, now coming down to the big question in my life at the moment. I guess you are fine. At least that what you say in your letter.
Have you ever, not been good?
I remember everytime you was sick, you wanted me to come over. You wanted me to be there, while you was sleeping in your fever, to watch you. You did not want to be alone.
I remember everytime you was tired, you wanted me to have dinner with you, in silence, with the TV on. You did not want to be lonely.
I remember many things that my heart and my head feel exhausted whenever I think of it. More than Anyone else, you mean a lot to me that even me cannot explain it. You was a bridge. You was the hand that pulled me out of the dark moment of my life. You was the one who showed me how it feels like when someone cares and takes care of me. You was the one who showed me the pain that Queen sang in their song. You was the one who encouraged me to be with the person who loves me while I didn’t think i was worth it.
You keep telling me to enjoy my new life. I actually don’t know what to do sometimes. And i cannot just run to you like before. I miss it, I miss you, and i am in love with our memories. I would say that I love you, I always do, but it is not appropriate anymore, so i will keep it for myself. And I hope you know. I hope you knew it that night you kissed me goodnight.
I hope you knew it when I took off my helmet and walked to you that day to kiss you good bye.
I hope it has never been “good bye”…