I have a vivid dream.

I have a vivid dream,

You are standing there, naked,

Using your man power over me.

I see you in the man sitting on the parallel train,

I see you in the man walking with a bag in his hand.

I smell you in that man in thousand other men running across the street.

I smell you, on me, in my own shower, pouring all over me.

I touch you, in the curtain, wrapping around my memories,

I touch you, on my skin, with the obscure scent of yesterday.

I hear you, echoing in the back of my head, disrupting my silence.

I hear you, whispering in my ears, words I want to hear.

I see you in everything I do,

I bring you into my writing, my talk, my thought.

I see me, talking about you every time I have a chance to.

I have a lucid dream,

I was standing there, naked

Using my vulnerability to bring myself back to reality.

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Letter 4 you.

I have longed to send you a letter for a while. But at the moment, i could not know which “you” that i Am referring to. Perhaps “you” are the memories that i have been holding on to. English personal pronounce – makes me fall in love and being confused at the same time. You make me feel great for being neutral (not addressing any “you” in particular) and make my head confused (for the unlimited “you” can be on the list). So here we go…

1. For you, J.S

Querido mio… i saw a picture of hou having your matrimonio civil yesterday. All i could think of was you with your brightest smile being on the bike, cycling all around Saigon and trying to be a good son of God. I have never seen you as a missionary, or an elder, or a beloved son of God i see you as a man, as a friend, as someone I can trust, that I can talk to without thinking of the mess i am in. I know I have no right to ask you to be the “you” in Saigon, because i am not the “me” back there anymore. But let me keep the memories of us, will you? Pienso en ti cuando escucho a “Ciudad Mágica”. Sabes qué? Es difícil encontrar alguien a quien también le guste esta canción…

2. For you, profesora S. Guyomarch

I remember the last time i talked to you was during your summer break in France. I lost your number, but I know I can just email you any time, and i still have not found a good reason to do. Not that i am lazy, i just feel like I have disappointed you, without you knowing it.

Everytime I read or watch anything related to the Mayans, the Aztecas, the Incas… I think of you. I think of you in your blue shirt with the sweaty back, passionately explaining to us about the importance of history and culture, trying to civilised our barbaric ignorant mind through the ancient civilisation. You smiled with us, you shouted at us, you were angry, you were disappointed. I would never forget the words you said in the class. My clasmates might find your class boring, that you’re a strict teacher and scared of you, i am not. I did have a great fear, that your class would soon end and I would have to face with the brutal presence which would soon turn into history in time.

I would never forget every morning we sat together at that bench in the D hall, you guided me through every part of my tesina, you bent me without breaking me, pushed me without scaring me, preached me without boring me. You never know how proud i was, putting your name on my final cover as my supervisor. I respect you, and cherish the time i got to spend with you.

I would also never forget that afternoon when you told me about the future, about the reality, and that studying is not always the best option. What can I say now?

You have never been wrong…

I miss being mentored by you.

3. For you, the crush I had in grade 11

I don’t miss you, at all.

I even think it was silly of me having a crush on you. Unlike my other ex, or crushes, you have never been worth it.

So, you would probably wonder why you’re on this list?

I remember listening to Taylot Swift “You belong with me” and felt so sad. I listen to that song again today, and seeing myself laying on the cold floor, surrounding by my homework, my paintings, and a little ipod with this song on. I saw how lost, how sad, how confused I am. I know now I sometimes jokingly say that i am confused about my own identity since people keep assuming that I’m Chinese, but the identity crisis was a real challenge for me back then.

Waking up everyday, i looked at myself in the mirror and wonder whether it was me or someone else. I was lost then, i am still lost now. But the path on which i got lost then was so different. Now that I looked back on it, it was darker than ever. It was just a long journey of finding who I was, of teaching myself what worth fighting for, of starting to know how to love, and of loving the wrong person at the wrong time. Not that I am any better now, i still have to learn about which thing that is worth fighting for, i still have to learn how to love, and i-still-love-the-wrong-person sometimes. But I have gone a long way from that point of my life, and knowing who I am, and what I can do.

So, thank you for making my teenager time a little bit poetic and colourful.

4. For ???

There it is, now coming down to the big question in my life at the moment. I guess you are fine. At least that what you say in your letter.

Have you ever, not been good?

I remember everytime you was sick, you wanted me to come over. You wanted me to be there, while you was sleeping in your fever, to watch you. You did not want to be alone.

I remember everytime you was tired, you wanted me to have dinner with you, in silence, with the TV on. You did not want to be lonely.

I remember many things that my heart and my head feel exhausted whenever I think of it. More than Anyone else, you mean a lot to me that even me cannot explain it. You was a bridge. You was the hand that pulled me out of the dark moment of my life. You was the one who showed me how it feels like when someone cares and takes care of me. You was the one who showed me the pain that Queen sang in their song. You was the one who encouraged me to be with the person who loves me while I didn’t think i was worth it.

You keep telling me to enjoy my new life. I actually don’t know what to do sometimes. And i cannot just run to you like before. I miss it, I miss you, and i am in love with our memories. I would say that I love you, I always do, but it is not appropriate anymore, so i will keep it for myself. And I hope you know. I hope you knew it that night you kissed me goodnight.

I hope you knew it when I took off my helmet and walked to you that day to kiss you good bye.

I hope it has never been “good bye”…

Extremely odd.

I love it,  to be the extremely odd.
It’s not how I want people to remember me, 
in fact,
I don’t mind if they forget.
It’s not how I want to label myself,
I would say: life is art, and art can’t be labelled.

I love it,  to be the extremely odd.
To be that girl at church who speaks freely about sex and gay marriage and there is no such thing called eternal life but heaven on earth,
To be that cousin in the family who has no interest at all in family’s drama as well as the properties,
To be that student in class who has never been- too hard working,  but learn everything with real passion and doesn’t have to fake it
To be that child in the family who is indifferent,  but would always be there when things happen
To be home for somebody,  not with delicious food and clean house and good kids,  but a place in their heart to go back to.

I love it,  to be the extremely odd.
To be indifferent on the outside,  but care with all my heart
To be sarcastic,  but value things that matter
To be insane,  but know when sanity can play its role
To be reckless,  but comes the responsibility at the right time
To be completely down to earth,  but yet believe in miracle…

I love to hear how people say
” you’re extremely odd”
It’s not because of me really being eccentric
It’s not because of the affection from harsh criticism
Since,
There is no such thing that can be too much
What is your scale? The macro, the micro?
Can the criteria be limited  when the infinity just has no end?
But,
I know I’m a prime number.
And you are,  too.
We are, odd.
I don’t want being even.
I don’t want to lose the odd of an prime number.
I don’t want people to have a misconception about what unique and what odd.
I want them to know it’s nothing wrong to be who you really are and open about it.
No matter
How odd
How weird
How crazy
How plus multiple negative adjectives
It can be.
It’s nothing wrong,  being honest, and straight forward, and sincere.
It’s nothing wrong, being direct,   and down to earth,  and flying with unicorn.
Be yourself ,  because life is art.
Be an extremely odd,  because the world is nothing but also madness…

Just a question,
How odd is extremely odd?.

Let me love you.

You used to ask me “Why do you love me?”

If i really have any specific answer, it would be a very long one, it could become a novel, maybe. Can you accept the love just because someone loves you? or you need them to prove it? I know it is hard to trust and believe in someone, as it is also difficult for me. The heart is an unpredicted thing in this world, and love is not easy to feel.

One day,you will become an old man. Your blond hair will turn into grey, your deep blue eyes will be blurred, your skin will be full of wrinkle and you just want to drink tea instead of the cold beer. You will see that old age is a barrier, prevents you from the young new world. All the sexy girls, all the beautiful women around you now also got old, or they don’t even pay attention for you. I can imagine you sitting there alone in your room, listen to the German radio in the morning, in the afternoon,at night. You don’t go to work- you retired; you don’t go out- you are tired; you talk to nobody- you abandon yourself. You will remember about all the people that you have known, I might come into your mind like a little quick flash. In the end, how many people can remember all the affairs they have in their life? I hope you will do.

I can also imagine you being happy with your family,with an unknown woman i have never met, and all the kids that have half of your blood in them. Your wife will take care of you, or let you be alone in your own world. She can cook for you every single meal with love or you both could just spend meal time at some restaurants on the street. She might sleep with you every night and you both have a great sex life; or she just cannot make you feel satisfied and you have to find someone else to have sex with, or make love for. You can be a good daddy, play with the kids and teach them how to live their life; or you just be a bad one, moody and be sarcastic with your own children.

Or you can be all, a lonely man in the family, an unsatisfied husband in marriage and a -not-so-happy daddy among your children. No matter who you are and who you become to be, i have no right to tell you what you have to do, what you should or what you must. I will just stand outside , watching the man i love moves on with his life and makes all the choices. And I will also move on with my life, have my own journey, my own family, my own chaos to dive in. But deep inside my heart, i’m sure there will always be a place for you, for the man who watched me grew up in time, woke the girl inside me up  and made the woman out of me. You will always be that man i used to know, the man in his 30s, spontaneous, crazy, emotional and yet sincere. You will always be that one with the sad blue eyes, standing in front of me under the hot shower in a rainy day. You will always be that lovely guy who feed me the choc milk and sweet gummy bears on his bed at midnight. I hope you will also think of me like that, think of me as a teenager girl who was dedicated, innocent and crazy to grow old with you. That girl who stepped into your insane adult world without being aware of it, the girl who chose you to be her pain.

Please, never say that you’re not good enough or too bad to be true. Because i am not looking for an angel, i am looking for those whose demons play well with mine. Let me hold you tight when the whole world leaves you behind. Let me kiss you goodnight when your stars could never been shined. Let me love all your weakness, all your fault and all the perfect imperfection you don’t want me to see.

Let me love you for who you really are until the end of our era…

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If you did drive Cars and knew that law in Spanish is Ley, i’m probably missing you.

Saying good bye to my friend in a bar after drinking some bottles of beer, i found myself riding my bike around Saigon, moaning your name and crying. I passed by all the places we have been together, i passed by the alleys we used to walk together, i passed by the old house, where you watched me grow up in time.

I suddenly want to be in your arm again, i want to cry my heart out and sleep next to you like a little kid.

I want you to feed me milk and gummy bears at midnight on your bed.

I want to wake up before you in the morning and see the sunlight streams down on your face, i was one of the happiest ppl in this world.

I want to tell you about my sadness, my study, my chaos and how i feel without you. I could havewritten a novel now.

I miss you, i really do…

First kiss, rewriten from the song of mr. Rybak

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Deep in my heart
There’s a small hidden room
And I know that you hold the key
I am gonna travel all over the world
Places where you’ll never be

Someday you’ll marry the girl of your dreams
And I will be crying all night
But there is a secret that both of us know
That’s why I’m feeling alright
Yes, there is a secret that both of us know
And that’s why I’m feeling alright

There may be
Smart guys and tall guys – whose stronger than you
Ten times the charmer than you’ll ever be
But one thing, little C, you sure didn’t miss
My very first kiss

Need I say more?
The feeling is pure
And I felt the warmth of your lips
Though the time will go on
And the seasons will change
I’ll allways think back on our kiss

Someday the runway will carry me home
And I will be smiling all night
Cause there is a secret that both of us know
And that’s why I’m feeling alright
Yes, there is a secret that both of us know
That secret belong in the night

There may be
Sharp girls and short girls – whose sweeter than me
Ten times the lady and one of a few
But one thing, i sure didn’t miss
Yours kisses at those years

Deep in my mind there’s confusion and hope
And I know that you stole my thoughts
I’m gonna travel all over the world
Searching for someone to hold

Don’t say it’s over
When I’m underneath
Let’s see if our feelings unite
Oh, there is a secret that both of us know
And that’s why we’re smiling tonight
Yes, there is a secret that both of us know
And that’s why we’re smiling tonight

There may be
Someone who truly believes love is blind
But I beg to differ there’s two of a kind
They will find each other
And that is a real bliss
My very first kiss

First kiss

Mệt

Còn em, chỉ đứng ngoài. Có thành công kiêu hãnh cách mấy chăng nữa, được bao người yêu chiều đến đâu chăng nữa, thì đứng trước anh, em chỉ luôn là đứa trẻ vụng về và trắng tay, không thể giữ lại nổi người thương duy nhất của mình.

[Có không, một ai đó giống anh]

Chẳng biết đây là lần thứ mấy em lại chuẩn bị dọn nhà. Cứ mỗi lần dọn tới một nơi ở mới, em lại bỏ đi một ít đồ dùng của mình. Không phải vì nó vô dụng, mà vì có thể nơi ở mới của em sẽ chẳng cần chúng nữa. Em cảm thấy mệt, quay cuồng với đống đồ đạc quanh mình, chẳng biết nên giữ cái nào, vứt cái nào. Cái gì cũng thấy cần, cái gì cũng gắn liền với những kỷ niệm. Em còn giữ những tấm thiệp chúc giáng sinh của người em ghét nhất vào năm lớp 6, giữ vỏ kẹo Hershey ngon nhất mà em từng ăn, giữ vé xem phim 3D đầu tiên em từng xem, giữ tờ giấy viết tay nhàu nhĩ của em và con bạn bàn bên… Những thứ như vậy em còn không nỡ vứt, vậy hà cớ gì em lại có thể quên được anh?

Ngồi ở nhà trong một ngày nắng đẹp và viết những dòng “sến súa” này khi nghe đi nghe lại một bản nhạc tiếng Trung chắc chắn không phải là em, chẳng phải là em hằng ngày. Anh bảo em khó khăn quá. Mẹ em cũng từng bảo thế, bảo em là con gái mà lúc nào cũng khó khăn, có tình cảm chẳng bao giờ bộc lộ, thương người khác cũng chẳng nói, một lời khen giả dối cũng không thể nói ra, thẳng thắn và chân thành đến mức đáng ái ngại. Em cũng chẳng biết mình khó khăn chỗ nào. Ừ thì đôi lúc em hay cằn nhằn khi anh không đến, lúc anh không cạo râu, hay mào đầu những cuộc cãi nhau của mình. Nhưng cuối cùng thì em cũng chẳng có cách nào để nói cho anh biết em quan tâm anh nhiều như thế nào, anh đặc biệt ra sao, và em cảm thấy an lòng thế nào khi ở gần anh. Em chưa từng yêu anh, tình yêu với em là thứ quá xa xỉ, không thể có được. Em không tin vào tình yêu, trừ khi đó là tình yêu dành cho chính bản thân mình. Nhưng em tin rằng mình đã từng thương anh, rất nhiều, và tình cảm đó đủ lớn để có thể tạo ra một vết thương lòng dai dẳng mỗi khi em nghĩ đến anh. Anh sẽ chẳng bao giờ đọc được những dòng này, và sẽ mãi mãi như thế dù tiếng việt của anh có giỏi đến mức nào. Cảm ơn anh vì đã xuất hiện trong cuộc đời em, như một luồng gió mới, mạnh mẽ và mát rượi, để khi ngọn gió đó đi qua rồi, dư âm của nó còn đọng lại mãi. Ngoài kia có 8 triệu người, em chẳng mong gặp được một người như anh, nhưng em mừng vì mình đã gặp anh, một-người-trong-tám-triệu-người chịu ở lại, nắm tay và bước cùng em dù chỉ trong một đoạn đường ngắn.

Cố chấp chưa bao giờ là cách ta chọn sống một cuộc đời

Và dây dưa cũng không trở thành dây tơ hồng cho tình yêu viên mãn

Ta thừa biết có những chuyện khi đã qua rồi thì không còn cứu vãn

Nhưng chẳng lẽ người muốn ta bỏ cuộc buông xuôi?

Chẳng lẽ sẽ vui khi sống như những con rối luôn tươi rói nụ cười?

Chỉ biết cam chịu trơ trơ trước niềm đau lẫn nước mắt

Cho dù phải rời tay đánh rơi một người thương duy nhất,

Cũng thản nhiên mỉm cười và diễn tiếp rất tròn vai.

Ta là ai khi không thể nắm nổi môt bàn tay?

Người là ai mà xa rồi nhưng tất cả về người chưa bao giờ lẩn khuất?

Ta chỉ mong có một người ở lại đây- đừng bao giờ lạc mất!

Nhưng rốt cuộc trên đời, rồi ai cũng phải đi…

[Ai rồi cũng phải đi]

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Saigon, a day without the blue eyes