Thousand questions.

I stay up at 3 in the morning, wondering what I do and who I am.

I can’t go back to sleep,

My head screams

Me,

Me,

Me,

Where is the Me that stays in the We?

My heart squeezes through the lies, 

Nothing else this heart can’t hide 

Nothing else this heart can tie.

I think of myself, being faded into consumption, modernity, community, humanity, 

Family,

Life,

I think I owe this life,

I might,

I don’t know if I own it or owe it.

But  my brain working so hard to see the real meaning of life.

I’m desperate to see what life really is

I’m depressed to meet the life I want to see

I feel bad for my own self because of the self destructive way of finding the meaning of an obvious journey that I’m already a part of it.

I feel bad for my heart, dropping its inner peace and some of its parts on the way I chose. 

I dropped the inner peace somewhere.

I see labels on things that are unlabeled pretentiously.

I see unreality from the reality 

I feel cold seeing close bonds between family members

I feel warm being just myself in a cold day

What do I want? What am I? 

I feel like a wild beast in a civilized city,

My heart’s gone wild, my brain hurts.

I  thought I would forget, 

I thought I would move on.

But why do the sunsets still make my hearts so empty and hurt deep down?

Seeing the photos bring pain to my brain.

I want a busy working day then running back to you.

I want quiet afternoon with the sun going down outside a locked dark room.

I want gloomy day with a shattered heart, driving by all the quiet places I can.

But then again, that’s simply not the life I’m seeking for.

Good bye, for good :)

And you wanted to drive up on the bridge in a windy day. We stood there for hours. You told me about your life here and there. I saw plastic bags flying in the air, the river flowing slowly under us. I was scared, that one day I would forget how it feels like to lean my shoulders on your chest while your fingers untangle my hairs. I’m not good at keeping memories, my brain somehow stupidly drops off your scent, your smile and even my thought of you some where on the way I go. But I am good at keeping the pain, everytime I think of what you said, why we did and how you walked away, my brain hurts. It’s difficult for me trying to balance everything in life and putting my heart in the right place. My head spins, my heart is shattered, I know life is not all about gazing stars and smelling grass at night. Life is not even about how intimate we can get behind the locked door but how we embrace the world. I appreciate the memory, but I also take it as a lesson. You taught me how to grow and live with pain, and never sacrificing for anything but happiness and security. It was a long journey, I can’t even count all the nights we walked together just to hear those little crickets singing the song of nature inside the bushes. I can’t remember how many times I left your place feeling completely empty and missing you. I  can’t remember exactly how many times I drove home wondering how you feel about me. But  they’re not important any more. I decide to end this sad song I’ve been playing  for the last 2 years. I know I’m not good, even at good bye. I now know how you feel, hear what you say, see what you do. So let me keep a part of us as a melancholy that makes my heart aches everytime I think of you. Goodbye, this time is for good…. šŸ™‚

One last timeĀ 

City lights, one last night,

We owe the lie with the life that isn’t ours 

We own the scars with the pain that’s always ours 

My heart is shattered in pieces,

The storm in my head is never released 

I guess this is all I have, 

I know I just can’t escape 

The one moment when you left,

A part of me,

also dead…

It was my fault… Good bye šŸ™‚

Be fine without me.

Will you be fine without me, being on someone else’s bed in a foggy day?

Will you be fine without me, letting someone else’s lips touching yours?

Will you be fine without me, attending the parties which you never belong to?

Will you be fine without me, putting yourself in a crowd full of people that squeeze your head?

Will you be fine without me, seeing the sun goes down without me by your side?

Will you be fine with out me, lying to your little heart where the home is?

Hold my hands, enjoy life likeĀ how Ā the breeze touches this lake

Sing the song that only us can hear, sending this love thousand miles away

Hold me tight, one last time like how the dark night embraces the moon

Let my fingers running through your spine, leaving my mark on you.

I know that you’re broken today, give me a piece of yours

Wear my name on your neck, kiss me in the night, tell me goodnight

I am sad seeing the man who makes you high,

Will you be fine, continuing this fight?…

April rainĀ ļ»æ

Another rainy season has come,

I’m still looking over my windows waiting for the last stream of sunlight drops on my fingers 

I see me waiting for you in a rainy day years ago,

I waited for you then, I wait for us now

I die a bit inside, 

with an unlocked door,

My heart bleeds a bit inside waiting for your touch.

My memory stops right where you are, 

My heart knows only you, 

My eyes keep searching for you in the dark,

And my mind, 

Is lost without you.

why

 

Why?,

You want me to leave, you want me to just run away,

You want me to leave you alone with your sickness

You want me to let you be with your loneliness

You kiss me, then you kick me

You touch me, then you delete me

You love me, and then you don’t

You want me for yourself, then you want me to be someone else’s

You open your heart to me, and you never tell me how lonely it could be

You put the necklace with your name on my neck, then you want me to be free

You put the ring on my finger, then you want me to be loved by someone else

You let me go, then you call me

You let me go, then you torture me.

You kiss my belly, then you want me to have the babies that are not yours…

You say you care, then you let me torture myself with the blood i bled for you, now is drunken by someone else.

And you’re sitting on the edge of the bed,

 

Telling me how weak you are,

You want me to be happy,

You don’t want to make me feel sad,

But

You are just selfish,

You never let me have a chance to love you.

The necklace, i took off

That ring, I’ve never put on

What is the point, of not being able to love someone who loves you?

I’m bleeding inside seeing how you torture yourself,

but hey, we will be fine,

the sun will always shine, for you.

Be well, love.

 

 

AstronautĀ 

Hiding yourself from the crowd, 

You stand there in the corner watching me smile under the afternoon sunlight 

The sun shines lazily, I miss you terribly. 

Time stops, I wish you was just a bit closer. 

Waiting for everyone to leave, 

You give me a kiss that I can keep.  

Your smile makes me cry. 

The sunflower in your hand melting down to your feet, 

And we suddenly stand on a flower field. 

Spring comes, flowers blossom, 

Holding my hands, you tell me how much I make you proud. 

Baby, I don’t need a crown. 

Life is already a clown, 

I float in the air, I fly up to the sky, 

Wishing if you’d ever be mine 

Just the two of us, in a dark room waiting for the sun to go down. 

Standing in front of me, but apart by an ocean. 

The sunflowers again shine, bring us back to the reality. 

You’re that astronaut leaning towards the spaceship windows. 

I’m the dust covering your sleeves on the left side…