why

 

Why?,

You want me to leave, you want me to just run away,

You want me to leave you alone with your sickness

You want me to let you be with your loneliness

You kiss me, then you kick me

You touch me, then you delete me

You love me, and then you don’t

You want me for yourself, then you want me to be someone else’s

You open your heart to me, and you never tell me how lonely it could be

You put the necklace with your name on my neck, then you want me to be free

You put the ring on my finger, then you want me to be loved by someone else

You let me go, then you call me

You let me go, then you torture me.

You kiss my belly, then you want me to have the babies that are not yours…

You say you care, then you let me torture myself with the blood i bled for you, now is drunken by someone else.

And you’re sitting on the edge of the bed,

 

Telling me how weak you are,

You want me to be happy,

You don’t want to make me feel sad,

But

You are just selfish,

You never let me have a chance to love you.

The necklace, i took off

That ring, I’ve never put on

What is the point, of not being able to love someone who loves you?

I’m bleeding inside seeing how you torture yourself,

but hey, we will be fine,

the sun will always shine, for you.

Be well, love.

 

 

Astronaut 

Hiding yourself from the crowd, 

You stand there in the corner watching me smile under the afternoon sunlight 

The sun shines lazily, I miss you terribly. 

Time stops, I wish you was just a bit closer. 

Waiting for everyone to leave, 

You give me a kiss that I can keep.  

Your smile makes me cry. 

The sunflower in your hand melting down to your feet, 

And we suddenly stand on a flower field. 

Spring comes, flowers blossom, 

Holding my hands, you tell me how much I make you proud. 

Baby, I don’t need a crown. 

Life is already a clown, 

I float in the air, I fly up to the sky, 

Wishing if you’d ever be mine 

Just the two of us, in a dark room waiting for the sun to go down. 

Standing in front of me, but apart by an ocean. 

The sunflowers again shine, bring us back to the reality. 

You’re that astronaut leaning towards the spaceship windows. 

I’m the dust covering your sleeves on the left side… 

Something just like this. 

I want to walk with you again, 

On the bridge with just us there

Showing me the whole city below, 

The light sparkling in the dark. 

The stars were up high,

Kissing me on the lips, 

Saying nothing, you brought me to eternity.

My heart wanted to sing, 

A song for just two of us, 

A song of nothing but pure love. 

I’m not who I am when I’m around you, 

My body is weak, my feet are trembling walking next to you. 

My heart is vulnerable, my brain knows nothing but that I’m in love. 

All these journeys I chose, just to be silent next to you, 

All the work I put myself through, just to be with you, 

All the tough tasks, all the lies, all the cakes that Noone else can have, 

I took them all, I devoured all, 

All the toxic cakes Noone else could ever stand. 

I watched myself bleeding, leaving my net, cutting myself off from the herd, I followed my heart like a black sheep. 

I burned myself down just for a walk at night with you. 

What are you? A new ideology I live for? 

This madness is perhaps, stronger than what I devoted for….

The room

The new room is hot and humid. They haven’t installed any AC or fan, only the spring breeze secretly touch our bare back. I lie on my stomach, with my right cheek touching the cool white floor, looking at you through my left eye.

My David, my beautiful statue in the museum, my secret naked protagonist of a hidden scene, you’re sweating, smiling with me. 

You’re that forbidden creature whom I touch like worshiping a creator. 

You create me, inside the bubble of your selfish love. 

I can’t stop my fingers from running down your spine. 

I can’t stop looking at you, I can’t stop loving what I’m looking at.

 I hug you from behind, feel your warm body through the thin blanket, I kiss your back, feel like I know everything about you, feel like I’m touching your eyebrows, yours eyes, your nose, your desirable lips, your Adam apple, your chest, your abs, your pride left of a naked human being.

 You lie there, the moonlight streams down on your face, the night covers me, darkness covers us. 

Pleasure fills up the room, emptiness fills in my heart. 

Touching me at the core of human being, bring out all the chaos in me, crush my ego,  break my heart into pieces, you’re the master of destruction. 

You burn me down and build me up, like the phoenix rises from the ash, 

Let me, cave the ink on your skin. 

Let me, scar my heart in the beauty of sadness and self destruction. 

Let me, once embed my name on your sleeves. 

Don’t erase me, don’t enslave me. 

Don’t leave me alone with my solitude,

Don’t leave me cover in dust. 

Don’t let the time fly, just stay there, on the floor, looking at me with your sad eyes, being naked for me, 

So once in a life time, I have you. 

Trouble sleeping 

And we keep lying to ourselves, 

Cutting the wound deeper than it should be, 

A deep sigh in the sadness of a rainy afternoon 

I cry for that scar of mine, was not yet healed, is now opened. 

Wonder why would I even be here, stretching myself in your bed, touching your warm body 

Feeling your heart beats fast on my chest, 

You breath into me, your sweat is my tear. 

You don’t want to make me feel sad, I don’t want to make you feel bad. 

I just want to cut of the line, turn down the page,

Then, 

I wake up, again, 

From the night mare of a perfect dream in my fantasy. 

No

I would sit in front of you the whole afternoon,  guessing what the universe feels like behind those glasses. 

Life is full of curiosity,  you can’t stop questioning why the weather is nice today whereas I can only sit still and be overwhelmed by the natural beauty. 

I would walk next to you until my feet bleed in happiness,  hearing the wind whispers in my ears what my heart can’t let you feel. 

I would stand on the other side of the bridge, capturing you in my own world when you you wave at me. I know you never belong to me. 

I would be there under the sunset watching the dark covers everything around me and my eyes are full of tears like how the water goes up after a long afternoon. 

I would secretly stare at you when you talk,  wishing time to stop. I don’t know what could I do without you,  even I can always live without you. 

Take me to your bed,  undress me,  torment me with the pleasure of lust and the delusion of love.  

Hold me once,  let me be in your embrace. 

But no, 

You, you’re the knife,  you’re the bandage,  you’re nothing but a curse and a cure.

What you cannot see. 

My friend posted a photo of her boyfriend on instagram,  saying “what you cannot see,  is that he smiles because I make cookies for him…”. It makes me think, after all the photographs I have of you,  will you,  or me,  or anybody else knows the story behind it? Would I remember why would I take that photo when I look at it again? Would I be able to remember how thing was back then? I don’t know,  time is cruel,  I just hope that I do…

I have many photos of a man I used to date, photo of the coffee he made,  the sandwiches we ate together,  the cinema we went to; photo of his hand,  holding mine under the coffee table; photos of him from behind while he was cooking for me; and, no photos of us. It was sad. 

And I have photos of you,  your bike,  your street,  the food you make for me; photo of you smiling,  being unaware of a sudden shot; photo of you cooking; photo of me taken by you; and more photos of you, and you alone. But what Noone else can see,  is that you had that big smile because you tried to make me laugh,  because you felt comfortable with me,  and because we laughed together. 

So, what else that you cannot see from your photograph? Perhaps an ending that no one else knows? :)…